LEAVING YESTERDAY
Wenyao
There are some things in life we have no control over, and that's what destiny is.
Thursday, April 4, 2013, 7:19:00 AM
84.3Wednesday, April 3, 2013, 7:21:00 AM
84.4Tuesday, April 2, 2013, 7:18:00 AM
85.5Monday, April 1, 2013, 7:06:00 AM
84.7Thursday, January 3, 2013, 10:40:00 PM
Beginning? Or end?
Work starts to enter a plateau where things start to get a little simpler. I mean I start to see the bigger picture of my job scope and thus a lot of details are therefore clearer and easier. Whether I like this job?No. But I like the people, I like the time, or rather, my time. My job revolves around ensuring people doing legit businesses and stuff like that. I am not really into writing a whole chunk of stuff regarding my job.
People. Yes. People. This is the time where I think I am experimenting who I really am. I guess some of my friends were right, I am never on a side. I always go where it is more advantageous. I mean I am practical, backbone don't save your ass at the end, so why have it?
I have no idea. Everyday I learn something new. Everyday I try to drain myself out. I am very tired right now. But I think I have to start some archive here so that at the end of the day, there's at least something to read when I am old and such.
I don't think I am smart. Neither am I hard working. I am just an average Joe with average stats for everything. Come to think of it, I have no character, no money, nothing. But I am those who would like to work towards something. I mean I used to set my aims too high, really high. Now I've seen a little more about the real world, its maybe time to really think about what I want in life.
I think life is not about beating others, neither is it about beating yourself. Its about having whatever it takes to make things easier, its about doing what you really want.
Since young, I've been taught to be observant. And I had never doubt the strength of being observant till last year. I can still remember that night when Fann Kor called me over to her desk and ask why am I so affected by the surrounding, and it makes me seem like I am not concentrating. I was shocked. Really shocked. Since young I thought it would be good be observe stuff around me, but now it backfired.
What is right, what is wrong? I don't know. I only know for every decision that you make, you forgo something, regardless big or small, good or bad, there is something that you lost.
Sometimes I wish there were some things that were never told to me, other times, I wish I had parents who knew how to guide me.
Well, life is not easy. 2013. My resolution? Save up, lose weight, clear exams, find the special girl.
Greedy me, but who on earth is not?
Right knee, right shoulder, I have no idea what happened, but they hurt. Oh well, and I am joining the inter-department basketball game this month. This is what I want? I don't know. But lets try it out.
Been watching a lot of dramas lately, TVB serials, Hong Kong movies, tons of cantonese stuff. And my eyes landed on this guy, 關楚耀.
I like his dress sense, his hair, and its something for me to work towards. But I know, my profession is not a model nor a artiste or whatever, I am a tax officer, but we will see how it goes.
p.s. I really hope this year will be better for me, like how I really wish it is better for my friends.
Monday, December 17, 2012, 9:26:00 PM
Change
Yeah. Change. That is what I am going to do. Though that's what I always say.I need to open up myself. Stop trying to salvage what is impossible and move on.
3 years. And this time I tell myself, this 3 years need to be worth it. I give myself 3 years to catch up to all these rat races. 3 years. 1095 days.
One day, I will wake up and tell myself its all worth it. All these decisions that I made, all these people that thought I could not make it, one fine day, I am going to do it.
Forget the past and embrace the future. Things will change for the better only if I believe in it. I should not dwell on the past but to welcome all changes to my life from now onwards.
Transition was long over. I am accepting this new job of mine, this new lifestyle, new people. The painful past have to go in order to make space for the future.
I am not happy with myself now, I lived with this. But one day all these got to change, it will not happen overnight. Everyday something changes, and at the end of the day I will see a difference.
I stopped believing what others tell me, I believe you should trust yourself more than others.
Of course, I need a plan. No matter what happens, at the end of this 3 years, two things need to change. Two.
I am not asking for the world for myself, just two.
1.) Qualification
2.) Weight
Not hard, its not easy either.
Till date, I have absolutely no idea on how to achieve it. I need a plan. But I shall do it.
Been raining a lot lately, gloomy weather. But I had enough, enough is enough. Enough of bullshit, enough of stupidity. Enough.
I don't want to start any drama, thus I choose to leave. Please do understand, and also, wish for my happiness.
P.S. It is time to welcome new people to my life.
Monday, December 10, 2012, 10:17:00 PM
Yes, you.
I can't afford to make the same mistake again. I know if I kept seeing you, the ending will still be the same and I will be broken once more.Don't ask me why. I asked myself this question countless times. I don't have an answer.
Maybe you are too good. Maybe this is not what is meant to be. Maybe this is a new beginning. Or maybe at the end of the day, it won't matter.
Too many maybes, too much hurt. I give up.
I am tired, sick of this life, where I keep failing, getting disappointed, and hurt. I might look otherwise on the outside, but deep within me, its never the case.
Sorry, really, I am sorry.
People do change. Been a few months since I met my other friends, I am amazed at how different you look now. You no longer look like whom you were. The trusty friend, the 'we can talk all day' type of companion, you are gone. You dress like some young naive girl now, I don't know what happened, but I do certainly hope that you know what you are doing.
I learnt many things these days. Or maybe you cannot use the word learn, maybe the word 'observed' is a better replacement.
We all say and thrive to be different. But what I can assure you is, at the end of the day, we are all the same.
P.S. To those whom you think you know me, I certainly hope you do.
Saturday, December 8, 2012, 12:50:00 PM
Me.
I really do hope that you are happy.Tuesday, December 4, 2012, 11:53:00 PM
You
It is because of you, that I started to be like this. And partly because of you, that I realise how much I had hurt all my friends.Life is about moving on when things don't work your way.
You taught me not to use a screw driver to hit a nail. It doesnt work no matter how hard you try.
What do you want me to talk to you about??
Wednesday, November 28, 2012, 11:13:00 AM
Life.
What is life?Life is when the person you love loves another, and the one that you dont love falls in love with you.
Yeah. Thats life. Accept it.
Thursday, November 22, 2012, 8:08:00 AM
Roles
Just one of those times where you don't really want to talk to anyone.Friday, November 16, 2012, 7:52:00 PM
Hard.
Sometimes we have to remind ourselves of where we actually are in this cruel world. Why do we hurt ourselves in this way when we already know what will happen in the end?
I wish I know the answer though. I am supposed to go clubbing with my friends later. But somehow, somewhere in me, there's a part that tells me not to go later.
I've nothing to do. Yeah. I don't know what is happening to me. My parents are going back Malaysia in a few hours. I will be here alone in my room again, trying to see how do I spend this weekend.
Not really sure of what I can do.
I am afraid I make the same mistake again. Too much fear, too much procrastination. Work, money, life, interests, what brings happiness?
Answers anyone?
Wednesday, November 14, 2012, 2:30:00 PM
Life
Don't ask me why when you are the one whom I don't recognise anymoreThursday, November 8, 2012, 7:43:00 AM
The worst decision I made this month was to replace Secondhand Serenade albums back to my phone.p.s. but they are too nice to leave out.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012, 1:29:00 PM
Belief
Suddenly you realise that you forgot that money is not the pushing factor for you to go to work.Thursday, October 18, 2012, 10:21:00 PM
Differ
Thursday. Rain, shine, gloomy. Today seems to have all sort of weather. I'm tired.We grow everyday. We learn something new everyday, no matter from work, friends or family.
I actually wrote a lot, but after reading it over, I didn't know what I was writing. So I decided to write about something else.
People are forgetful. They will forget about what you have done or even who you are if you don't appear before time from time to time. I am saying this because I think it really happens to everyone. It also happens to me. Its those busy days that makes the time flies past. Its those happy hours that you realise suddenly, its getting late.
Sometimes, we have to accept that some people are just close to you because it is convenient to do so. In time to come, the convenience will fade away, and somehow the distance will grow. I am not saying that these people are very realistic or what. I am stating a fact.
Think about how close you can be with your neighbour. We are talking about someone whom have no strings attached to you. Well, I used to be very close with my neighbour. We played at the corridor for hours and hours. We go to the playground, fall down, hurt ourselves together. Whatever it is, we had fun.
That was like 15 years ago. He moved away like 10 years back. We lost contact. I heard that he went to Oxford to study sometime back. Well, its kind of awkward now even if I meet him. I still remember those days when we run about topless, played 2 person catching, fall down the stairs, played Lego, got scolded for stupidest things like stealing of sweets.
To be honest, I can only remember him as Issac. I can't really remember how he look like. In my mind, he's just a blurry young kid.
24 years of my life passed. So many people came and went in my life. I mean its really a lot. I worked at so many places before that sometimes people call my name in public and I was like, who are you? Then they mentioned like: remember the waiter at Shangri-La. And I will be like, yeah I remember Shangri-La, but not you. It is kind of sad. But at the end of the day, who will stay by you?
Yeah, I do try to keep in contact if I know the other party is interested. I mean at least they bothered to keep conversations going. I have my own pride. I mean, if I have to keep initiating conversations or stuff like that, you can't clap with one hand. Sometimes you need the other hand to work as well.
The saddest ever thing that was said to me is: If there's nothing to talk about, don't.
I mean seriously, I sent you a message because I want to talk to you. If you feel that there is nothing to talk between us, then I am sorry to bother you any more. And I don't think we really have much in common. By being nice to you, it doesn't always mean I have fell for you. Sometimes I appreciate the length of our friendship and I believe I can do something for you.
Then if you are not interested or you feel that I am here only to slot your timeline. Then I am sorry to tell you that I also have my own set of stuff to do. I might not be as popular as you, but I too have my own friends in which will put me in a higher priority compared to you.
I ask for fairness. I know it is hard. But at least try.
Sometimes I do stupid things, and I know it. I think it helps people who are really down to really have something to laugh about. I might not be very good at it, but I am trying.
p.s. Love and friendship are just a line apart. I got lost between it once, but it is all clear now.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012, 11:52:00 PM
Fresh
Things do change. Well, I am not really feeling that great today. Not that work sucks or something along those lines. Work was in fact better than expected.We all anticipate a lot. We all hope for a lot of good things to come. But at the end of the day, the truth does not match our expectations. So we got a little sad. Its 11pm now, I need to sleep soon. But I feel that I should record something on this archive.
I realise that I am actually higher paid than other diploma graduates. Well, maybe they take into account your GPA or maybe I have like a little more prior working experience.
Tomorrow is my orientation. I have no idea what is installed for me. Not like I have high hopes or high anticipation about it anyway.
Somehow, somewhere in my heart, something is missing. Not work, not money. I just don't know what. But it made me felt as if I have to work towards something.
Yeah, colleagues were awesome. Superiors were nice so far. I had what I wanted, a low stress work environment. And a perfect place to have a work-life balance. People are quite young there, like averaging 20-30s.
I am not disappointed, nor am I sad. I just feel a little empty, like something is missing.
I met this girl called Guan Ting. Well, why I notice her is because of her ring on her 4th finger. She looks like she's like 22? I have no idea what her age is, but that ring did attract my attention.
Well, one of the new recruits was trying to socialise and begin talking to her, like asking why IRAS and pretty much those standard question. She said she was married for 1 year and yeah she wanted like a sit back job without much commitment where she can go home and take care of her CHILD. YES CHILD. Married for 1 year. A child. I mean, do I need to go into details? Graduated from NTU this year. WELL WELL, someone didn't follow certain instructions I believe.
Another guy was called Samuel. Well, he looks like a total nerd. Like totally a nerd. A bowl cut hairstyle, with a tummy. Its like those people that you consider lifeless on TV.
My team had another new recruit. He's David. He sits like behind me, and probably my lunch buddy for most of the time I will be having in IRAS. Well, he says that work is okay around here. But I learnt it the hard way that I have to take things with some pinches of salt.
The journey to work is actually quite bad. Like really bad. Walk to Lakeside 15mins. Train from Lakeside to Raffles Place, 30mins. Train from Raffles Place to Novena, 20mins. If you include in waiting time and squeezing time, going to work takes around 1hr 15mins. I need to find a long term solution to this, man, wasting 2hrs 30mins daily is going to be really bad on a long term basis.
Tomorrow is dress down day because of the orientation. And my Fridays are all dress down, T-shirt and jeans. Well, that means I need to iron only 4 shirts per week.
This is like the worst post I'd written in a while. I was reading through and I saw so many grammatical errors. Well, I am tired today, and will settle for this.
I would like to find a clique in IRAS, and then maintain a low profile in my stay. I will probably try my best not to be a peacock, in which I know I am borned one.
I like independence. I stopped my mum from washing my stuff and clearing my stuff for me. I think its a good time for me to start learning how to start doing my own things. Work is not that bad, so I have no excuse to make my mum work extra hard for me.
I feel like growing up now, now that I start to wash my own clothes and pay for everything that I use. Its like you start getting the idea that you can survive by yourself now. And I like that. Well, I am paid higher than I was in EY. I probably am paid more than what I will receive if I stayed in EY.
Life starts to wither into a smokescreen where I have no idea what I will be facing.
p.s sometimes confidence can be your bane.
Friday, October 12, 2012, 1:58:00 AM
Dusk
I'm lying on my bed right now. It's Friday. Was trying to get some sleep but somehow couldn't catch a wink. So, I started reading my old posts. Something came to my mind. Well, why do I even write here to begin with?
I have no idea. Maybe it's good to have a platform to write down your thoughts so that in time to come, there's something to look back on.
I actually have nothing much to write now. But just couldn't catch any wink of sleep. Change is good. But to what level?
I have no idea what will be in place for me.
I've lost contact with a lot of my friends. At the end of the day, what will be important?
We all hate the feeling of making the wrong decision. It's called regret.
I did wrote a lot here. But I realise I made no sense and thus deleted a huge chunk of it. All the best to all my friends and I hope everything goes your way. :)
p.s. when things are meant to be, it will be.
Sunday, September 9, 2012, 2:34:00 PM
Belief
With every opportunity comes its cost, that's what I strongly believe in anyway.I believe with every decision or every event, there is a critical time. The right thing to do at the right time, that is what I mean by critical time. If you want to succeed in something, the most important thing to take note of is the critical time. You can do all the right things in the world, and at the end of the day, it will not work out.
You can have all the right timings in the world, but if you don't grab it and hit the nail in the head, the timing is gone. And things will NOT progress. Well, I know that sometimes we all want to do things that others might disagree or something along the lines.
So what I suppose will do is to hit the right thing at the right time. For example, there is no point in selling X'mas trees in June, while you go trying to close your shop before X'mas. I know it sounds stupid, but if you take this as a perspective and apply it to other things in your life, it works.
I have no idea why I am feeling weird today. Its like something died within me. But I can't illustrate or even describe what is it.
Met with my brothers yesterday, I mean it was a nice dinner and stuff. What matters was that someone actually told me that I need to differentiate between jealousy and trying to show your audience the grass on the other side.
I know that sometimes when people tell me about opportunities that they had encountered. What goes through my mind was to tell you that: Hey, the grass is not as rosy as it seems on the other side. But what actually happened was that I do it to such an extent that it becomes you disagree with the opportunity. Well, I need to really sit back and think about this. Is this jealousy/ red-eye or simply my over extention to allow others to see the other picture.
I mean sometimes we have to accept the fact that they had a better hand dealt to them by life. Face it.
We often tell ourselves that our fate lies in our hands. Well, that is not true.
Life deals you the cards that you can play. But at the end of the day, you can ONLY play with that hand. A lousy hand would NOT mean you will lose, but it largely depends on how others play their hand.
Compare yourself with others and you will find stress, but that's how you will also find out you enter a rat race with the others to pursue things which are very superficial.
I mean the city boy versus the kampong boy. Given a choice, who will you choose to be?
The city boy will have a lot of sophisticated events and a very very very fast pace of life. The kampong boy will have a very simple and slow pace of life. What will come to your mind next will be that, in that case, the kampong boy will be much happier.
Well, is that actually true? Think about it in this way. The city boy will have tons of worries, keeping up with the pace and such. The kampong boy has no issues?
At the end of the day, which is the correct path to take?
Well, I used to believe that the city boy is the way to go. But now I start to believe that, balance is the most important part. Maybe that's growing up. You can't be a city boy for life, someday you will need to slow down and finally come to terms that you can't sprint anymore.
I read this somewhere. It was meant to be a joke, but somehow I find wisdom in it.
This dad was telling his boy: Boy, you ain't bad looking, why no girlfriend till now?
Boy: There's not a girl that I met that race my heart, makes me feel that she's the one.
Dad: Even if such a girl comes by, she will not make your heart race for long. If not, you will get a heart attack.
Boy: ...
Think about it, it is so true. I mean take a step back for those people searching for the perfect one to be together. After a while, things will get numb. Can your so called mate make your heart race for a lifetime? It is not possible. So, what now? You don't consider people that are really attractive to you?
No. Look for people that you can come along with comfortably. I mean really comfortably. You know that you don't have to keep searching for topics to talk about and silence is okay. That's what I feel anyway.
By the way, I did get a job at IRAS. It is a statutory board. It is hard to break it to my friends these day, with all the stigma being the statutory board is not as bright.
If I really wanted to work hard, I would have stayed in EY.
Too much philosophical issues that I'd been asking myself lately.
People disagree with me that I go clubs, drink and stuff. A lot of people tell me that since I know it is not the right thing to do, why would you do it?
I thought about this for a very long time. Yes, I admit that I do enjoy myself at such 'unhealthy' stuff. But I would also want to talk about the other side of the picture. You are 25 years old. I look at my parents. They worked their whole life away. They have nothing to talk about in their teens. There are times where I told myself that hey, I don't want this. I don't want to live my life till 40 years old and when people ask me, so what have you experienced so far. I will be struck like my parents and have nothing to say.
Of course, for this I will have to give up a lot of start in the rat race. But look at this in this pretext, do you want to run a rat race just because the others are running? Or do you want to run a race with some type of satisfaction at the end of the day.
Ain't you just lying to yourself that you are running a different league, when at the end of the day, you still run the same run?
Well, you live in Singapore. Just because of this fact, you HAVE to run this race. Not like you have a choice of living in a slow environment where housing costs $30,000.
Life deals you the cards, you choose how to play it.
So, at the end of the day, life is unfair. Can you beat an unfair game?
It still counts on you.
P.S. Stop living in the fairy tale.
Sunday, September 2, 2012, 4:22:00 PM
Decision
We all want to end up with the best decision made. We all want to make the right move. But what is right? What is wrong?Everything had been a illusion. What if I said all the while, I'd been lying to myself? I have no idea.
Everything seemed to be fine till yesterday. When I met them. Tons of flashback crossed my mind. I have no idea why and how it happened.
I am sick of playing games at home. As in I am really sick of it, but I can't think of anything else to do to spend my attention at. Honestly, I don't really like hacking monsters and trying to complete quests anymore. But at least when I am doing such things, I don't think about other things.
It is like shutting out the rest of the world and just trying to live your life your way. Its like what they say that you are trying to run away from this competitive world, and trying to cower yourself into life of your pace.
Sometimes we make decisions when we are not in the right frame of mind. I mean out of rage, happiness, sadness, whatever. Then in the end, we look back. Sometimes we regret, sometimes we got lucky. But other times, what really happens?
Avoiding can solve a lot of problems, or rather they prevent the creation of new problems. That can be a way to solve FUTURE problems. But current? I have no idea. Who can help me?
I have no idea. I ain't really opening myself to others. I always have this feeling that I am not in good shape. Not only physically, but also in terms of networth and other factors.
I am not as strong as what I seem I am. A lot of times, I just put on a strong front. Just because that will ease pressure on my ego. Excuses, reasons, facts.
I have a problematic shoulder, now my left leg is also coming up with mysterious problems time to time. Maybe this is what they call ageing. I have no idea.
Things need to start to change. That's what I always say. But I always procrastinate.
Fear? Perhaps. I admit that. Suddenly, I am afraid that such changes will actually make things worse. I used to like to fight with others. But now I can't even attempt to look for challenges.
I can write for another donkey years. But its not gonna be today.
Sometimes I pray that the next day will be better.
But all I do is pray.
P.S. What goes around comes around.
Thursday, August 16, 2012, 10:56:00 PM
Time
Been a while. Quite a while, since anything actually happened. I have no idea what to do now. It feels like I'm in the middle dangling. All my brothers are kinda busy with their new changes, and here I am, doing nothing fruitful.Been a while, Wenyao. Running away is the perfect phrase to describe what I am doing right now. But I really don't know what to do now. I have like leaps and bounds to catch up. But it seems like I'd already given up on the race.
There's one thing I learnt, one must know his own limits. Well, I used to be so naive, thinking so highly about myself and such. Now that I learnt this lesson the hard way, I think that I was so dumb in the past.
I need a lot of changes. I need a job. I need a social circle. I need a new hobby. I need to go classes. I need to start going gym again. I need to start running again. I need to find routines to do.
I know, I know. But every morning I don't know how to start. In the end, nothing gets done. People has been asking me out lately. I just come out with excuses saying that I'm busy. When in fact, I'm just staring at my screen.
I used to be very optimistic and think that if something goes wrong, don't worry, everything haven't gone wrong. Well, I always tell others that when you are at the bottom of your luck, don't fret, you can't drop further. But all these are just sayings that I tell people, when myself gets into a low period, it doesn't work.
I have a very bad headache now, people spamming on whatsapp issn't helping. I keep telling myself I need some time to spend with myself. Well, I did gave myself half a year. Things need to change.
I used to take life like a race, where you have to beat others to be considered successful. Come to think of it, that is so childish. Why feel proud beating others when you can't even beat yourself?
I have a lot of deadlines coming. Nothing is helping. My dad don't even bother to talk to me now. My mum just leaves me alone. Sometimes I really feel alone at home, even though I am not the only one at home.
Most of the time, I just lock myself in my room, play some computer games, watch some dramas.
Other time, I lie on my bed, thinking what went wrong.
Fights that I gave up. Dreams that I told myself to do. They seem so far now.
I kinda placed a lot of her in the past now. I have to move ahead. Some people ask me what kind of girls I like, you know, like. I used to have so much wants. What age, hair, height, ethnicity and other rubbish wants. But all I really hope to have is a girl whom just want to spend time together, regardless of looks, weight, or whatever.
Courage. I need courage. Too much fear, too much wait, too much procrastination.
P.S Life is about living now, not sacrificing now to live in the future.
Thursday, July 26, 2012, 9:52:00 AM
Karma
I brought this to myself. Well, fuck.Wednesday, May 23, 2012, 1:11:00 AM
Pride
I am on my way back from Bangkok. Dead tired but many thoughts flashed through my mind. Pride. It can drive someone to such a high efficiency that it's ridiculous. Sometimes there are somethings that are unreachable in the world that you really really want. You tell yourself that you can be anything that you want. But at the end of the day, people give up. Either at the start, or mid, or even right before the end point. To me, it doesn't matter. You gave up. That's all that make sense to me.
To be completely honest, I had been trying to run away from the reality that I have to face. Come on, my ledger is already red. But I believe I'll find a way out. I ate so much this week that suddenly I think that I didn't have that determination to do it. But let's see what happens tomorrow.
There are different people in the world. But who you want to be lies in your hands. That's what everyone says, so I believe it will eventually make sense.
People will take you for granted if you start to give way. These few days, I asked myself what am I really doing. Honestly, not easy. Lets not just talk about the money. The time. And the ridiculous amount of calories. It's scary.
Pride. Back to this pride issue. I strongly believe that I need to build on my pride. I need to start believing in myself. The last few months were horrible. I believe once I regain some pride, then I'll be back. To fight for something that is lacking. Be it money, weight loss or whatever, pride.
All the changes that I'd made for you. I don't know now. I wasted my time, you turned off the lights, now I'm just like dead.
If promises are really meant to be kept, then I believe things will be a lot different now.
If happy ever after did exist, I'll still be with you this day. All those fairy tales are just shit, one more fucking love story and I'll bite.
Even the sun will set in the paradise .
Sunday, March 11, 2012, 9:41:00 AM
Changes
You cast a spell on me, spell on meYou hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on meAnd I decided you look well on me, well on meSo let's go somewhere no-one else can see, you and me
p.s. I hate to admit this, but how are you doing?
Saturday, February 25, 2012, 12:35:00 PM
从不称相似，到朋友。你是一個好女仔，就算不是我都当你是。 或者我有点老套， 想同你表白又不知如何好。如果有得發展我一定會， 但你却只当我是姐妹。
我们究竟现在是怎么了。说复杂又不复杂，说简单又不是。 走街看戏我们都试过， 但就未到拍拖的地步。总要拉我去同你试衣， 你根本没有當过我是个男人。这种感受真的很难忍 ，你有男朋友难道我说不准吗？
这几天我都不想写在这，那时我不想你继续来到这里。我不知道我几时才会继续我的路，但是我知道我应该会慢慢适应。
I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I know that you won't be in it. I had come in terms that there are somethings in the world that you won't have no matter how hard you try. But somehow you still float in my mind. I deleted all kinds of contact or ways that remind me of you from everywhere that I can think of, but..
Quitting my last job, I want to say that yes, I didn't like that long working hours. But I would like to also admit that you did play a part, or rather a big part. I could never had admitted that as part of the reason. I had to find a way out. I don't know how but I know I must.
I know that by writing this post, I probably have gotten a lot over. But I don't know, perhaps this way is the best solution for me. I need to find a new job soon, looking at my bank, it has only been depleting.
I also must admit that I left EY in rage. I mean I was rushing towards the departure. But I mean, if it is wrong to begin with, stop. Yeah, maybe that's also the case between you and me.
I have a lot of things to tell you, but since that night I met you there, you gave me all the answers.
Been crash dieting a lot lately, I know it is bad for my health, but I also know if I don't go into extreme solutions, I will never get it going. Lessons, you know it is kind of weird to go to lessons now. I don't really want to mix around with the EY gang anymore, but if I go classes and don't hang with them, it is weirder. Guess I will just study on my own.
Everything is in a mess now, but I learnt that if I don't do anything about it, nothing will miraculously be untangled. We need to solve this part by part. The situation won't change overnight. It won't be I wake up and suddenly everything is great now.
I died a lot in the inside when I left EY. Probably because of all the promises I had made to myself. I told myself to really grind the next few years and probably catch up in the race. But somehow I gave up, many reasons, you included, but I don't really want to go into it right now.
I know I am not a borned accountant, but all I really wanted was a steady pay check to survive in this harsh society. Maybe someday I will look back and regret on all these stupid decisions that I had made. I mean, not like I don't already know that money makes the world go round.
When I resigned, I told myself to make this worth it. I must have a very fulfilling life since I literally gave up a potential high salary career path for it. But it is not happening.
I know things have to change, it is barely a few weeks, but somehow a lot of me wanted to find something fruitful to do.
p.s. One change won't turn the whole tide around, but it all starts with ONE change.
Monday, February 6, 2012, 9:03:00 AM
Life
7 months into audit. What have I gained? What had I lost? Honestly, audit gave me a very strong foothold in accounting. Accounting was about memorizing journal entries till these days when you can't do that anymore.
But. But. But. Audit also took away a lot more. During July, I was on my way to my lean and good body. Then work kicked in. I thought I could handle everything together, work, diet, studies, social. I thought I was better than many others. Come to think of it, I am so naive.
Audit did give me some money. Though I often complain that I earn so measly when comparing with hourly salaries.
I did have met some cool people in audit. Which also made me realize the fact when it is meant to be. It will.
It's like flipping a coin. No matter how hard you wish that it ends up with a head, you have a fair chance to get it.
If it is going to be the side that you want, no matter how hard you pray , or try to tell yourself it will work out if you work hard enough. Some people just get it the way it is. I mean, come on, it is not like I've not tried hard enough.
Jeryl, Eleen, Elyn. I had some good times working with them. I know I'd fucked up on chambers and caused Elyn to clear it for me. I mean I'm sorry. There is so much that I can do. And I admit that I'm selfish. I can't allow EY to screw my life further. Sorry for all the time you have spent to teach me things. I mean those time you invested didn't pay off. And I think I really really know how it feels like. I feel bad about it. But oh well.
I don't want to look back 5 years from now, and think, wtf had I been doing in the past few months?
My mum told me this morning that life is fair. I told her: fair? Come on, that's a myth.
Hey, I worked hard, for everything that I wanted. I sacrificed a lot. I gave up a lot. In the end? Look at me now. You get a pile of shit.
At the age of 24, what have I earned? Yes. My bank. And it's not a lot anyways. Other than that? Nothing. Tomorrow is valentines day. I don't even want to talk about it.
Friends? Oh ya. They forget about you once you don't turn up in some events. So. In the end, what have you really gained? I don't know. I see myself in such a big pile of mess that I don't know how to start rectifying it.
I need advice. But who is there to give me any? My mum and dad sees me as a person whom gives up easily now. But they don't see my point to get a life. I mean. W.T.F.
p.s. I should have seen that coming. I already read the signs.
Sunday, February 5, 2012, 12:42:00 AM
Sometimes it is better to wake up before you are so deeply into this dream. I suppose I knew this long ago. But this stab in the wound still hurts.And now this double stab pierce right into the nerve, I just wish there is someone I could talk to right now.
P.S. If you are reading this, call me, text me, whichever works.
Saturday, January 21, 2012, 4:37:00 PM
Fate
So, have you ever wondered what I felt when you done that? Maybe this is a sign that I should give up already.
Thursday, December 22, 2011, 8:14:00 AM
Bleak
There are two types of people in this world: smart people and stupid people. The stupid people are of no threat to the society. Thus, regardless of which path they take, good or bad, with or without integrity, they do not make a big impact to the people around them. Neither will they impact the society as a whole. So, they have a choice. The choice to go the path without integrity.
However, a good guy don't have the choice. He himself can impact the society in such a substantial impact that, he can only choose to be the good guy.
Sunday, December 18, 2011, 3:34:00 PM
Thanks
谢谢你让我知道其实我根本没有喜欢你到生生死死那么多。p.s. Moving on is the only option.
Monday, December 12, 2011, 9:40:00 PM
Tomorrow
It is a brand new day tomorrow.I got my report book. And I failed. No hard feelings, but I guess we don't really fit each other that well. Oh well..
To be completely honest, I knew I failed. I was the one who took the test, how wouldn't I know how well I fare?
I chose this day to collect my report book. Actually, I did it on purpose. Because tomorrow is the start of my work, and I want things to start fresh.
I feel a lot more free now. It is like a lot of loads are off my shoulders. Suddenly, I don't feel obligated that much. It feels like starting a second life.
Ask me if I am sad. I would say yes. I wouldn't lie. But if I spend every single minute of my life thinking about how well I fared yesterday, and completely do nothing about it, I am going to waste my next minute away.
So yeah, I can do the maths. Not that I am not bothered by it, but I see it as a learning point. A lot of lessons learnt. The price was paid, so why not I try to learn something from it?
I won't dwell about yesterday. Maybe I am really not good enough, sit back and waste my time away?
That's so not Wenyao. I need to start believing in myself. I am awesome, I really am. Everyone has 24 hours, so do I. But what is different is that I use my 24 hours differently.
Making myself better should be a life time resolution. I took a break, a long one rather. A break that lasted a few months. These few months, I literally wasted myself away. I was blinded by a lot of superficial things, but I really have to thank someone, she woke me up. She is Guanlin.
"When I knew you at first, you said you wouldn't do this, you wouldn't do that. Look at what you are doing now, making coffee for others, carrying stuff. Did you just become someone that you said you won't turn into?"
It was these words that spur me to collect my report book. I knew of the poor ending, but I kept wanting to run away from the fact that I am still not good enough.
"Don't put any part of your work at risk just because of possible love."
This is from Rujun. She is another one that I am really grateful about. But I failed her. Well, she is always there when I need someone to talk to.
"You have reached the level whereby you have no choice but to make another step forward."
Jisin. He told me, I had learnt whatever I could at this point that there is no other way out other than the fact to face the report book. Either I pass, I move on. Or I fail and do something about it.
"You are just like my brother."
Yeah, her. Maybe it is of our best interests to keep things this way.
The long insomnia will probably end tonight. Hmmm.. maybe tomorrow.
Life is not supposed to be easy. Why would it be?
p.s. I got to fight for what's right.
Saturday, December 10, 2011, 5:25:00 PM
Sarcasm
It is kind of ironic when the person who is telling you not to think so much is the exact person who you are thinking so much about.Saturday, December 3, 2011, 4:31:00 PM
Hope
After all these times and things that we been through, there are so many Peters and Johns out there. Perhaps I ain't so important after all.Sunday, November 27, 2011, 4:01:00 PM
Strings
I am trying my best not to think about it. Just hope that everything will be solved in time to come. I just need to concentrate on my exams right now.p.s. Someone please just save me from all these bullshit.
Thursday, November 24, 2011, 7:29:00 AM
Flash
I am not angry with you. I am totally disappointed with myself. Monday, November 14, 2011, 8:12:00 AM
Flash
I don't know what you want from me. But I know I really like you a lot. I'll fight. I suppose :)
Thursday, November 10, 2011, 6:43:00 PM
Still Fighting.
What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. That's what she told me.I think we must be determined. Life is not supposed to be easy to begin with. If we know this is the way, we should fight for it. The road may be tough and full of obstacles, but you will never know how strong we really are till being strong is the only way out.
Sometimes in the late nights, I ask myself what am I doing this for? I ask myself why did I choose audit despite the poor pay and long working hours? But I know that at a certain point of my life, this path was exactly what I chose. I don't want to be someone who says one thing and do another.
I told myself, I'll work hard if I am given another chance. Now that I'm given a second one, why am I thinking about giving up?
I have nice seniors who sacrifice their time to teach me. But sometimes I don't understand why there's a need to be so hard on rules. Oh well, maybe someday I will understand.
Back to her, she's a nice and pretty girl. Fits perfectly into what my ideal soul mate will be. But we all know that sometimes thing don't end up with what we really want to be. Not that I'm giving up, but if this is one sided to begin with. I don't see the point anymore.
I think I should let nature take its course. If we are meant to be, we will be. I don't know what I did for her was even suffice. But I think talking to the wall will not get you any kind of response.
I'll just try and make her happy and probably make myself happy too. Impatience is my bane. I am always too eager for results that I keep forgetting that sometimes the timing is not right. Maybe I'm just weak minded. I don't know. I also can't understand if I don't even understand or know what I want, how do people claim that they understand me?
I do ponder a lot.
Do I really need to put in more effort? On the other hand, I don't want to pressure her. Well, I think I can give you space. But please let me know.
Exams are coming. I'm not prepared. But I suppose I will be able to handle this. It's a Thursday. Tomorrow will be Friday. Then a weekend. Then back to Monday.
Saturday, November 5, 2011, 8:07:00 AM
Kill me already
Why do you seem to be EVERYWHERE?
Argh :(
Thursday, November 3, 2011, 8:54:00 PM
Glare
I don't know what the fuck am I fighting for. I am tired. All these didn't pay off. I don't know where I stand now. All I want to do is to just make sure nothing else screws up now. That includes my exams and my work.
If I say that I got over it, I'm lying. I am trying to avoid you as much as I can. I'm never angry with you. But I am simply disappointed about myself. I thought I became better. But seems like I'm just living in my own small world.
Maybe we are not meant to be together. This is what I keep reminding myself. The problem is with the timing, not with me, nor is it with you.
Seems like I'm not even worth the time now. But all I want is someone to let me know that she's there for me. Well I guess I'm immaterial.
I tell myself I need to work hard, but I just can't seem to do it. I don't know why. I need to really start to buck up. Things are starting to turn sour and I am not ready for a lot of things
p.s. I need to wake the fuck up.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011, 10:45:00 PM
Torn
I guess it's all over. All I want now is for things to go back to what it was before, but I know it will never happen. Well, I caused all these bullshit. I have to face the consequences I suppose. Maybe the problem lies with me. I don't really know. Am I still not good enough? So what is good enough?
Am I really not worth the time? I always told myself that maybe its not the right time. But come to think of it, are those just excuses?
I don't know. I really don't know what I can do now. Pulling out is an option, but at what cost?
How will people look at me? I realize I don't have any close friends in EY. People probably take me as some retard or stupid guy and take advantage of me. Yeah, I know, you all say Wenyao is a great guy. Just because this idiot here goes out of his way to help you do all your shit.
Not that I need to feel appreciated, all I want is someone that I can talk to. Who's there? I thought that if I'd put in enough effort, people will tend to mix around. But obviously that's not the case.
I told myself I'll never allow her to screw up any part of my work or career. But things are easier said than done. I guess I did screw up a little.
I tried to pull myself out of this mess, but does anyone know how hard is it?? The fucked up part is she appears before you every fucking day.
Act like you don't know her and you are some loser. Face her and you cant get over it yourself, or rather get pass yourself.
Day by day I feel the distance creeping between me and her. Or maybe I keep reminding myself that I have to draw the line. I guess things will be better after this week. School's ending and I'll be quite busy with my insane schedule.
I hate myself now. I really do. I guess no one will understand how stupid I think I am now.
Every single time that I have time to think, I'll try my best to find reasons why I should not like her. I can come out with a million reasons, but will it really work??
All these are like a lie. A way for me to escape reality. A way to just hide my my own world.
But we all know we have to wake up some day. Suddenly I want this day to come earlier.
P.s. Work is not killing me, you are.