Twists In My Story

Changes

2012-03-11T09:41:00.002+08:00

You cast a spell on me, spell on meYou hit me like the sky fell on me, fell on meAnd I decided you look well on me, well on meSo let's go somewhere no-one else can see, you and me
p.s. I hate to admit this, but how are you doing?

2012-02-25T12:35:00.003+08:00

从不称相似，到朋友。你是一個好女仔，就算不是我都当你是。或者我有点老套，想同你表白又不知如何好。
如果有得發展我一定會，但你却只当我是姐妹。

我们究竟现在是怎么了。说复杂又不复杂，说简单又不是。走街看戏我们都试过，但就未到拍拖的地步。总要拉我去同你试衣，你根本没有當过我是个男人。这种感受真的很难忍，你有男朋友难道我说不准吗？

这几天我都不想写在这，那时我不想你继续来到这里。我不知道我几时才会继续我的路，但是我知道我应该会慢慢适应。

I don't know what lies ahead for me, but I know that you won't be in it. I had come in terms that there are somethings in the world that you won't have no matter how hard you try. But somehow you still float in my mind. I deleted all kinds of contact or ways that remind me of you from everywhere that I can think of, but..

Quitting my last job, I want to say that yes, I didn't like that long working hours. But I would like to also admit that you did play a part, or rather a big part. I could never had admitted that as part of the reason. I had to find a way out. I don't know how but I know I must.

I know that by writing this post, I probably have gotten a lot over. But I don't know, perhaps this way is the best solution for me. I need to find a new job soon, looking at my bank, it has only been depleting.

I also must admit that I left EY in rage. I mean I was rushing towards the departure. But I mean, if it is wrong to begin with, stop. Yeah, maybe that's also the case between you and me.

I have a lot of things to tell you, but since that night I met you there, you gave me all the answers.

Been crash dieting a lot lately, I know it is bad for my health, but I also know if I don't go into extreme solutions, I will never get it going. Lessons, you know it is kind of weird to go to lessons now. I don't really want to mix around with the EY gang anymore, but if I go classes and don't hang with them, it is weirder. Guess I will just study on my own.

Everything is in a mess now, but I learnt that if I don't do anything about it, nothing will miraculously be untangled. We need to solve this part by part. The situation won't change overnight. It won't be I wake up and suddenly everything is great now.

I died a lot in the inside when I left EY. Probably because of all the promises I had made to myself. I told myself to really grind the next few years and probably catch up in the race. But somehow I gave up, many reasons, you included, but I don't really want to go into it right now.

I know I am not a borned accountant, but all I really wanted was a steady pay check to survive in this harsh society. Maybe someday I will look back and regret on all these stupid decisions that I had made. I mean, not like I don't already know that money makes the world go round.

When I resigned, I told myself to make this worth it. I must have a very fulfilling life since I literally gave up a potential high salary career path for it. But it is not happening.

I know things have to change, it is barely a few weeks, but somehow a lot of me wanted to find something fruitful to do.

p.s. One change won't turn the whole tide around, but it all starts with ONE change.

Life

2012-02-06T09:03:00.001+08:00

7 months into audit. What have I gained? What had I lost?

Honestly, audit gave me a very strong foothold in accounting. Accounting was about memorizing journal entries till these days when you can't do that anymore.

But. But. But. Audit also took away a lot more. During July, I was on my way to my lean and good body. Then work kicked in. I thought I could handle everything together, work, diet, studies, social. I thought I was better than many others. Come to think of it, I am so naive.

Audit did give me some money. Though I often complain that I earn so measly when comparing with hourly salaries.

I did have met some cool people in audit. Which also made me realize the fact when it is meant to be. It will.

It's like flipping a coin. No matter how hard you wish that it ends up with a head, you have a fair chance to get it.

If it is going to be the side that you want, no matter how hard you pray , or try to tell yourself it will work out if you work hard enough. Some people just get it the way it is. I mean, come on, it is not like I've not tried hard enough.

Jeryl, Eleen, Elyn. I had some good times working with them. I know I'd fucked up on chambers and caused Elyn to clear it for me. I mean I'm sorry. There is so much that I can do. And I admit that I'm selfish. I can't allow EY to screw my life further. Sorry for all the time you have spent to teach me things. I mean those time you invested didn't pay off. And I think I really really know how it feels like. I feel bad about it. But oh well.

I don't want to look back 5 years from now, and think, wtf had I been doing in the past few months?

My mum told me this morning that life is fair. I told her: fair? Come on, that's a myth.

Hey, I worked hard, for everything that I wanted. I sacrificed a lot. I gave up a lot. In the end? Look at me now. You get a pile of shit.

At the age of 24, what have I earned? Yes. My bank. And it's not a lot anyways. Other than that? Nothing. Tomorrow is valentines day. I don't even want to talk about it.

Friends? Oh ya. They forget about you once you don't turn up in some events. So. In the end, what have you really gained? I don't know. I see myself in such a big pile of mess that I don't know how to start rectifying it.

I need advice. But who is there to give me any? My mum and dad sees me as a person whom gives up easily now. But they don't see my point to get a life. I mean. W.T.F.

p.s. I should have seen that coming. I already read the signs.

2012-02-05T00:42:00.003+08:00

Sometimes it is better to wake up before you are so deeply into this dream. I suppose I knew this long ago. But this stab in the wound still hurts.

And now this double stab pierce right into the nerve, I just wish there is someone I could talk to right now.

P.S. If you are reading this, call me, text me, whichever works.

Fate

2012-01-21T16:37:00.001+08:00

So, have you ever wondered what I felt when you done that?

Maybe this is a sign that I should give up already.

Bleak

2011-12-22T08:14:00.001+08:00

There are two types of people in this world: smart people and stupid people.

The stupid people are of no threat to the society. Thus, regardless of which path they take, good or bad, with or without integrity, they do not make a big impact to the people around them. Neither will they impact the society as a whole. So, they have a choice. The choice to go the path without integrity.

However, a good guy don't have the choice. He himself can impact the society in such a substantial impact that, he can only choose to be the good guy.

Thanks

2011-12-18T15:34:00.005+08:00

谢谢你让我知道其实我根本没有喜欢你到生生死死那么多。

p.s. Moving on is the only option.

Tomorrow

2011-12-12T21:40:00.002+08:00

It is a brand new day tomorrow.

I got my report book. And I failed. No hard feelings, but I guess we don't really fit each other that well. Oh well..

To be completely honest, I knew I failed. I was the one who took the test, how wouldn't I know how well I fare?

I chose this day to collect my report book. Actually, I did it on purpose. Because tomorrow is the start of my work, and I want things to start fresh.

I feel a lot more free now. It is like a lot of loads are off my shoulders. Suddenly, I don't feel obligated that much. It feels like starting a second life.

Ask me if I am sad. I would say yes. I wouldn't lie. But if I spend every single minute of my life thinking about how well I fared yesterday, and completely do nothing about it, I am going to waste my next minute away.

So yeah, I can do the maths. Not that I am not bothered by it, but I see it as a learning point. A lot of lessons learnt. The price was paid, so why not I try to learn something from it?

I won't dwell about yesterday. Maybe I am really not good enough, sit back and waste my time away?

That's so not Wenyao. I need to start believing in myself. I am awesome, I really am. Everyone has 24 hours, so do I. But what is different is that I use my 24 hours differently.

Making myself better should be a life time resolution. I took a break, a long one rather. A break that lasted a few months. These few months, I literally wasted myself away. I was blinded by a lot of superficial things, but I really have to thank someone, she woke me up. She is Guanlin.

"When I knew you at first, you said you wouldn't do this, you wouldn't do that. Look at what you are doing now, making coffee for others, carrying stuff. Did you just become someone that you said you won't turn into?"

It was these words that spur me to collect my report book. I knew of the poor ending, but I kept wanting to run away from the fact that I am still not good enough.

"Don't put any part of your work at risk just because of possible love."

This is from Rujun. She is another one that I am really grateful about. But I failed her. Well, she is always there when I need someone to talk to.

"You have reached the level whereby you have no choice but to make another step forward."

Jisin. He told me, I had learnt whatever I could at this point that there is no other way out other than the fact to face the report book. Either I pass, I move on. Or I fail and do something about it.

"You are just like my brother."

Yeah, her. Maybe it is of our best interests to keep things this way.

The long insomnia will probably end tonight. Hmmm.. maybe tomorrow.

Life is not supposed to be easy. Why would it be?

p.s. I got to fight for what's right.

Sarcasm

2011-12-10T17:25:00.001+08:00

It is kind of ironic when the person who is telling you not to think so much is the exact person who you are thinking so much about.

Hope

2011-12-03T16:31:00.001+08:00

After all these times and things that we been through, there are so many Peters and Johns out there. Perhaps I ain't so important after all.

Strings

2011-11-27T16:01:00.001+08:00

I am trying my best not to think about it. Just hope that everything will be solved in time to come. I just need to concentrate on my exams right now.

p.s. Someone please just save me from all these bullshit.

Flash

2011-11-24T07:29:00.001+08:00

I am not angry with you. I am totally disappointed with myself.

Flash

2011-11-14T08:12:00.001+08:00

I don't know what you want from me. But I know I really like you a lot.

I'll fight. I suppose :)

Still Fighting.

2011-11-10T18:43:00.001+08:00

What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. That's what she told me.

I think we must be determined. Life is not supposed to be easy to begin with. If we know this is the way, we should fight for it. The road may be tough and full of obstacles, but you will never know how strong we really are till being strong is the only way out.

Sometimes in the late nights, I ask myself what am I doing this for? I ask myself why did I choose audit despite the poor pay and long working hours? But I know that at a certain point of my life, this path was exactly what I chose. I don't want to be someone who says one thing and do another.

I told myself, I'll work hard if I am given another chance. Now that I'm given a second one, why am I thinking about giving up?

I have nice seniors who sacrifice their time to teach me. But sometimes I don't understand why there's a need to be so hard on rules. Oh well, maybe someday I will understand.

Back to her, she's a nice and pretty girl. Fits perfectly into what my ideal soul mate will be. But we all know that sometimes thing don't end up with what we really want to be. Not that I'm giving up, but if this is one sided to begin with. I don't see the point anymore.

I think I should let nature take its course. If we are meant to be, we will be. I don't know what I did for her was even suffice. But I think talking to the wall will not get you any kind of response.

I'll just try and make her happy and probably make myself happy too. Impatience is my bane. I am always too eager for results that I keep forgetting that sometimes the timing is not right. Maybe I'm just weak minded. I don't know. I also can't understand if I don't even understand or know what I want, how do people claim that they understand me?

I do ponder a lot.

Do I really need to put in more effort? On the other hand, I don't want to pressure her. Well, I think I can give you space. But please let me know.

Exams are coming. I'm not prepared. But I suppose I will be able to handle this. It's a Thursday. Tomorrow will be Friday. Then a weekend. Then back to Monday.

Kill me already

2011-11-05T08:07:00.001+08:00

Why do you seem to be EVERYWHERE?

Argh :(

Glare

2011-11-03T20:54:00.001+08:00

I don't know what the fuck am I fighting for.

I am tired. All these didn't pay off. I don't know where I stand now. All I want to do is to just make sure nothing else screws up now. That includes my exams and my work.

If I say that I got over it, I'm lying. I am trying to avoid you as much as I can. I'm never angry with you. But I am simply disappointed about myself. I thought I became better. But seems like I'm just living in my own small world.

Maybe we are not meant to be together. This is what I keep reminding myself. The problem is with the timing, not with me, nor is it with you.

Seems like I'm not even worth the time now. But all I want is someone to let me know that she's there for me. Well I guess I'm immaterial.

I tell myself I need to work hard, but I just can't seem to do it. I don't know why. I need to really start to buck up. Things are starting to turn sour and I am not ready for a lot of things

p.s. I need to wake the fuck up.

Torn

2011-11-01T22:45:00.001+08:00

I guess it's all over. All I want now is for things to go back to what it was before, but I know it will never happen. Well, I caused all these bullshit. I have to face the consequences I suppose.

Maybe the problem lies with me. I don't really know. Am I still not good enough? So what is good enough?

Am I really not worth the time? I always told myself that maybe its not the right time. But come to think of it, are those just excuses?

I don't know. I really don't know what I can do now. Pulling out is an option, but at what cost?

How will people look at me? I realize I don't have any close friends in EY. People probably take me as some retard or stupid guy and take advantage of me. Yeah, I know, you all say Wenyao is a great guy. Just because this idiot here goes out of his way to help you do all your shit.

Not that I need to feel appreciated, all I want is someone that I can talk to. Who's there? I thought that if I'd put in enough effort, people will tend to mix around. But obviously that's not the case.

I told myself I'll never allow her to screw up any part of my work or career. But things are easier said than done. I guess I did screw up a little.

I tried to pull myself out of this mess, but does anyone know how hard is it?? The fucked up part is she appears before you every fucking day.

Act like you don't know her and you are some loser. Face her and you cant get over it yourself, or rather get pass yourself.

Day by day I feel the distance creeping between me and her. Or maybe I keep reminding myself that I have to draw the line. I guess things will be better after this week. School's ending and I'll be quite busy with my insane schedule.

I hate myself now. I really do. I guess no one will understand how stupid I think I am now.

Every single time that I have time to think, I'll try my best to find reasons why I should not like her. I can come out with a million reasons, but will it really work??

All these are like a lie. A way for me to escape reality. A way to just hide my my own world.

But we all know we have to wake up some day. Suddenly I want this day to come earlier.

P.s. Work is not killing me, you are.

Match

2011-10-27T00:12:00.000+08:00

Well, no matter what happens in life, sometimes we just have to keep fighting.

I don't want to look back one day, and realise what the fuck have I been doing for the past few months...

Little by little, I am coming back.

I really have awesome friends. :)

祝福

2011-10-20T20:04:00.003+08:00

你开心就好。

真的，就够了。

Forever and Always

2011-10-19T09:27:00.001+08:00

Love is simply two persons spending time together when they like each other.

Why is it so complicated now?

仿佛妳会读到

2011-10-17T22:42:00.002+08:00

我的记忆不停重叠过，整个脑海都是妳的画面。妳的表情和语言都提示过，爱的可能是我。我的想法太乱，幻觉也太多。我不知道我是不是真的真的喜欢妳。我的疑虑很大，直到我真的说不清楚我自己。

我的心算得太慢，我的心很乱。我担心我找对人，偏错过了一段美好的恋情。
如果妳开始是想喜欢我的，那请妳告诉我我应该怎么做。喜欢妳，真的是错了吗？
如果我们真的喜欢对方，那我们在一起可以吗？

我不想碰上一个，得逃避一个。因为我知道我是追不上，也躲不过。也许是我还不明白。或者是我想太多。

也许一开始妳找不到我，直到终于不想找我。我们彼此也在折磨，这些失眠的夜晚，真的有这个必要吗？

妳说过妳不相信我，我应该想想我的语言。我想了很久，我相信我知道妳在说的。就请妳给我一点点时间，来证明我不是妳所说的那种人。

我的想法太乱，直觉对麽？

当这世上全怀疑我错，我相信总有人会相信我。我是很渴望那个人就是妳。

我开始想念和妳在一起的时光。我承认在那晚会时，有一杀那有冲动想告诉妳我是真的喜欢妳。但我并没有说。那天在戏院里，我一直靠在妳的旁边，希望妳也能靠过来，但是妳没有。妳的眼也只盯着那银幕，就好像我只是另一个朋友。

我告诉我自己，不要灰心，可能妳需要多一点时间。我不知道妳是不是要我等妳，还是等我告诉妳我的心里只有妳。

要怎么说起，我真的不知道。

我不知道妳会不会读到这日记，但是我想告诉你我喜欢妳。

p.s. 在妳面前，我不曾说谎。

Contagious

2011-10-11T18:38:00.001+08:00

What should I do now?

I have no idea.

Trust

2011-10-10T08:28:00.001+08:00

Time flies. It really does. Sometimes I look back and think about what I'd done for the week. And I suddenly realize it's Friday again.

And did I mention that she drives me crazy? Gosh. I don't know what she really wants now. I've been guessing all the while.

Do you need time? If you really do, I'll be patient. But if I'm just some contingency plan, please do not waste my time. Time is running out for me. Well, I do understand that sometimes things do not go as what we really want. But I know you know what you want.

I can give you the benefit of doubt. But at the end of the day, will there be any happy ending?

Sometimes I do get tired. But if you drop a hint, I swear I'll be determined.

There are so many things that I can't do now. I know things are complicated and you are also not sleeping well these days. But I want you to know that if you need someone, I'll be there

I got sick and tired of making everyone happy. I guess I'll place my bet and yes I believe it's on you.

The result does not matter to me now. Well, even if I lose this bet, I guess I have to move on.

Many times I told myself that I don't really like you, I realize that I'm lying to myself.
I will tend to look over the tables to just peek at how you are doing.

Sometimes I wish this was a crush. That I will wake up and move on. But oh well~~

I hate myself. I hate this feeling.

Every single time I felt like I want to give up, fate seems to hold me back and tells me that we are meant for each other.

p.s. Hope this ends soon

Vivid

2011-09-29T22:57:00.001+08:00

我听说, 难求一切是公平.

Search

2011-09-26T07:59:00.001+08:00

I need to find out where the fuck did the real me went to.

累了，我真的累了

2011-09-19T00:53:00.000+08:00

如果这一切都可以重来，我只希望我从来都没有认识你。也许一开始就已经是错的。时间不会回头，但我很想回到那最初快乐的时光。而我知道这些都不可能。

如果努力可以得到快乐的结局，那就请你给我一点点时间。但是如果一开始就是一个错，那请你告诉我我应该怎么办。

我不告诉你我是真的真的很喜欢你，因为你的表情已经告诉了我我想知道的答案。

你想要的，我想我是给不了你了。我是真的希望你快乐，但是自私的我，真的不想认输。

也许我真的不够好，让你对我没有把握。

有时候我会想离开，来证明你对我有多么重要。但是我做不到，因为我知道我根本不在你的心里。

我想继续我的路，但每当我一个人的时候，你都会浮现在我脑海里。

究竟这样的日子会延迟到什么时候？

我想念你的时候，谁会看得出来？

每当听到你和他的时候，我都会想起我是多余的。我只想调整自己，让你看到我的努力。

我只想让你知道，我不需要出现在你开心的时候。但如果你有什么不快乐，我只想告诉你我可以陪你一起度过。

p.s.那一幕一幕的画面，都让我想起你的笑容...

流星

2011-09-14T08:17:00.001+08:00

没有人能了解我现在的心情。想看你，还是想躲你，我真的难决定。看着你的表情和眼神，仿佛已经说明这一切。我只想要证明我们这段友情。

也许在你眼里，它只是敷衍。

我还是会想到那过去的开心时光，和现在新的你。所以我一直都很想告诉自己：也许是我不够努力。

如果时间可以重来，也许我会做不同的决定。但现在的我，是否想放弃，还是想坚持下去，我真的想要有一点头绪。

每一次我告诉我自己我不相信，你都会对我很冷淡。我很想告诉你我还是喜欢那以前的你。

p.s. 也许缘分只让我们一起走到这里

- Posted using my iPhone

Twilight

2011-09-12T21:02:00.001+08:00

Well, what is ever good enough? I don't know anymore.

My mind is burning. A lot of questions, and even more confusions. I have no freaking idea what I am facing.

Things are changing, but for the better? I don't really know. Who can tell me?

What's the problem now?

My determining is dwindling and I seem to have lost faith in what I used to be determined about.

I don't know what I want, nor I have any slight idea on what you want. There are so many things that have no answer. And so, what should I do?

I need directions, but who is confident enough to guide me?

I can't seem to put my past behind me. All these things that I am forcing myself to commit, I don't know how long more I can last. I ain't as awesome as what you all think I'm. But all I can say is I tried.

Will I ever be able to make it?

All the faith and hope that's infused into me, will that materialize and grow into success?

Stress is inevitable. But we have a choice on how we handle it.

And will I get what I deserve?

Sometimes all I need is a chance.

One. Fucking. Chance. To. Make. It.

Why don't I get it?

p.s. I can be there, but will you be there?

- Posted using my iPhone

Soul

2011-09-09T19:57:00.001+08:00

I tried to be perfect, but it's just not worth it.

p.s. Why would it be so easy?

- Posted using my iPhone

Fear

2011-09-08T08:20:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, we rest for so long that we forgot how strong and determined we CAN be.

I'm very disappointed with what she said yesterday. And I don't think it is nice to joke about such things. Today marks the return of my manager and many people ask me if I would prefer it.

Well, I don't really know. Without a head, it's like trying to survive without your weapon or something in the jungle. But with this weapon, comes a lot of responsibilities and probably time too. Good? I don't know. Depends on how you see it.

I hate it when people decides on certain decisions for me without consulting me first. Though more than likely I'll go along with your way, it is of your courtesy to at least 'notify' me in a polite way. Instead of telling me that this happened and now you are liable to pay for this or this or these.

I'm easy with money. But that doesn't mean I'm an idiot that you can squeeze from.

If you think we are in such good terms that you think you can assume that I think this way, you need to rethink about yourself. A lot of times, I do things out of courtesy. Not that it's because of you.

False front? How long can I last? I don't know. People start asking about my past. I am trying to avoid these questions. But let's say that the future is more important now.

Well, my bad shoulder is acting up again. And rest didn't help. But what else can I do?

I can't afford to rest for long again. Time waits for no one. And every min I rest, is another wasted.

- Posted using my iPhone

Fight

2011-09-05T08:19:00.001+08:00

It's Monday morning over again. Things cooled down to a pace where I start to suspect my ability.

Many times we take breaks, we tell ourselves to rest so as to fight for the further routes ahead. So we gave ourselves a period of time where we took many steps back and chill around.

That was what I told myself. So, I gave myself a break. Everything from work, school and diet.

But it is amazing how once we take breaks, we refuse to get back up again. We forgot our original strive to our goals.

This is what I am feeling right now. I gave myself a 1 week break. And I can't get back up again. Every morning I tell myself to do this and do that, but at the end of the day, I procrastinated.

So much for the talking, right?

Actually I must thank someone for waking me up. Work is never easy. We are at this learning curve whereby the initial hike is hard. And I'm at this phrase.

If this route was easy, it would be 'branded'. But it isn't. So I better wake up and do something about it. Things won't happen if you just stand around and look at it.

People get better because they want to. And they need to. There is no 'enough' in this life journey. It's because of the greed in the nature of all mankind. I believe every route has it's own difficulties and it's up to the individual to get over these obstacles.

If this is so easy as what it is right now, it probably won't be as golden as what I thought this will be.

Is it only a problem because it happened to me?

p.s Why would it be so easy?

- Posted using my iPhone

Pride

2011-09-03T10:57:00.002+08:00

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

Surrender

2011-08-30T16:45:00.000+08:00

I don't know what else to say.

I don't know what else to write.

I don't know what else I can do.

p.s. Every single time I see you, I tell myself to cling on.

Rash

2011-08-24T08:22:00.001+08:00

Why won't things change for the better? I don't really know already. Does the problem lie with me? Or rather am I too impatient? I have no idea at this point of time.

I wish I knew what is happening behind us every single day. But we all know that ain't possible.

If only I had a time travelling machine, I swear I'll not do the same thing over again. Time passed and these are the things that will never come back ever again.

Many people think that the pastures are greener on my side, but let me assure you that it is not. I try hard to adapt and change. But who knows? Who will understand? I have no idea.

Rest is overrated. I woke up at 6 for a run. Though it was only 3km, I felt the sweat. I don't know how long this will last. I don't even know if these efforts are suffice. But all I know is that there is time, and I need to make things happen.

Many people asked me about where I'll be in 10 years time, I told them I have no idea. At the rate I'm going, I don't know how long this will last. Well, I am one of those people who believe in impulse decisions.

I totally believe that if you think it is right at that time, you should do it so as not to let time hinder your decision.

Was that a hint of a hope that you are giving? Or just me thinking too much?

I guess I'll wait for you to show your hand.

p.s. I have to win this fight.

- Posted using my iPhone

Flare

2011-08-21T03:13:00.001+08:00

Been another long week. Or rather quick. Time passes so fast when you are busy that it's like VROOM..

This is or will be a busy weekend with lots of fun and work.

I am giving up. I ate and ate and ate. Why? Maybe I have a weak mind. Perhaps if I tried a little harder, things might change. But at the end of the day, I guess I didn't persevere. I am a little worried now. I keep giving myself excuses to run away from the discipline that I am trying to build. Maybe it is not worth it, but as long as I tried, I will not regret.

People start to change. Or rather, you tend to see the truer side of people with time. What is right? What is wrong? I can't really differentiate anymore.

It is nearly 3am, and I am tired. But I can't seem to fall asleep on this dark night. Why? I don't know. Perhaps I'd a heavy mind. I might not be the best friend that you can have. But I want to let you know that I'll be there if you need me.

Perhaps the problem lies with me. But all I wanted was to make people around me feel a little better. I am not a person who looks for returns with all the things that I'd done for others. I feel that giving is much easier compared with receiving. I know I can't change the world, and the world will not change for me. So the only alternative left is for me to change.

Everyone is saying that I am confused. But am I? Do I really know what I want? Or people THOUGHT that I am confused. I am confused over this.

I know that I have nothing worth people's time. But all I want to know is that: if I tried harder, will things change?

At the end of the day, will things really get better? Honestly, I don't know anymore.

People say that you will be rewarded if you work hard. But does working hard equate to success? If that's the winning formula, I'll follow by it. I can totally understand how people do things in such a way at times, but we must also put ourselves in other shoes at this time. I know we can't please everyone, but can we minimize damage?

Do we really have to take a stand?
Do we really have to place the bet?
Do we really have to play this game this way?

Or somewhere, somehow, there's a shortcut to this rainbow that I've no idea about?

When will I ever be good enough for you?

p.s. Life is short, embrace change.

Trite

2011-08-15T23:11:00.000+08:00

Days went by. Did things get better? I don't really know anymore. Well, the great thing is that time passes fast. Real fast.

Many events happened. None to be really glad about. I gradually adapted to the current pace of life. I began to start taking more steps. Dieting came into place. Exercise became some kind of usual activity.

Not that I'd seen myself change for the better. But I know that I can't continue like this anymore. I hate it when people ask me why do I go on diet. Well, just because some guys don't care about how they look, doesn't mean that I can't be a little more vain than the rest. Yeah, I am on diet. I want to look good. Deal with it. That's me.

Friendships form, while others start to grew apart. Well, you can't possibly have the best of all worlds. I got over the fact that I might not be the important person of your life. But I just don't want to get forgotten and left behind. I might not be the best, but as long as I try to be a little better everyday, it is enough. Maybe enough for me.

I start to feel this fatigue. Not only in the mind, but on my body. I've been hitting myself a little more, a little out of my comfort zone. Does it pay off? I don't know. There are a lot of mysteries I am currently facing.

I tried to be perfect, but I realised it is not worth it. A lot of times, I start to suspect in myself. Other times, I don't know what else I can say. I mean, I only hope you feel better. I know where I stand, but sometimes, I wish I knew where the problem was.

It is frustrating when you know that there is a problem and you can't have the solution. I guess I knew it all along that no matter how hard I tried, I could never change the position of myself in your mind.

I can't say I am not bothered by this, because I am.

I was thinking, one day, one fine day, when I need help, who will be there? All these 'friendships' that I had yield over these time, were they worth the time? So, who will be there for me?

I don't know. I don't want to probe further. Every man for himself. So do friends actually exists?

I take a lot of people as friends, but whether they do vice versa, I am not very sure of that.

And if everyone doesn't like you, you are the problem.

p.s. Get on my nerve, and I will bite. And I bite hard.

Shine

2011-08-14T23:46:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling the fatigue.

If only all these paid off..

p.s. Stop this nonsense already.

Vice

2011-08-08T23:21:00.000+08:00

Today you woke me up from my idea.

And it was you who fueled me into this fight.

p.s. This is the fight of my life.

Blight

2011-08-03T08:17:00.001+08:00

Life slowed down to an acceptable pace. The massive changes had come to an halt. But the adaptation to these changes ain't easy.

Every time I hit the gym and lose those guilt taken in during the day, I ask myself why don't I just take in lesser calories? I didn't. Maybe I should really inflict some discipline into my life.

Lifting those irons ain't an easy task. Every single time I push the barbell, I asked myself for the reason why am I doing this to myself. Gosh, I have no damn idea.

I will go home a dying zombie. Lie on my bed and immediately fall asleep. That's not the end of the story.

The following morning will be a nightmare. Sometimes I get awakened by the cramps in my body in the middle of the night. I look into the skies and pondered over what really happened.

Will this goal finally be reached? Or am I just trying to fool myself? I'm starting to have doubts on this.

The other thing that made me upset was the fact that people actually forgot about what they said. You said I didn't commit enough. And so I waited. And waited and waited. Time passed, and I hear nothing from you. And the next thing I know was that you already forgot about what you had said.

I ain't going to stir up a storm or something. But I'm disappointed. Of all the time I wasted and opportunities lost.

Those happy times together. They seem to fade into the shadows.

Maybe this is how important this is to you. But all I can say is, I am indeed very upset over this.

p.s Every morning I wake up, I have a choice.

- Posted using my iPhone

Peal

2011-08-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

Now this is getting on my nerves.

p.s. I shall not fall.

2011-07-30T11:39:00.002+08:00

Apparently, your memory ability decreases along with your decrement of carbs intake. Gosh!!

Peeved

2011-07-26T23:02:00.000+08:00

Why has it always got to end this way?

p.s. Just kill me already

White

2011-07-24T15:42:00.001+08:00

Aiya, whatever lah. I give up.

Status Quo

2011-07-24T11:01:00.002+08:00

Well, this marks the end of my third week at Ernst and Young. Been a busy week and time is never enough. So many things happen behind us, some that we know, some that we have no idea about.

The good thing about work is time pass quickly. As like, suddenly, its Thursday, then Friday...

Work stress has come to a level that I had never ever encounter in my current life before. At the part-times, internships that I had worked before, I didn't have to put in as much effort. Mainly waiting for time to pass, waiting for the 6.00pm or something. But now things changed, there are so much responsibilities that I am liable for.

I don't have any idea what will I be facing in the near future, but lets take one step at a time.

Faced a lot of problems lately, mainly pertaining people, well, I don't know what went wrong or something. But things changed. For the worse.

I asked around if there's anything that I handled wrongly. The answer was: what didn't I do. Gosh, it sounds like I'm liable for a lot of things that I don't really have an idea about. I'm just human, don't expect the stars from me.

I am okay with people having high expectation of me, but only if they also have high expectations of themselves. I hate situations whereby the pot is calling the kettle black.

Well, I always blamed myself for all the lost clauses and missing opportunities. Maybe it is time to look forward and let the hatchets be buried.

P.S Or maybe it is time to let go.

Faded

2011-07-22T00:02:00.002+08:00

Maybe sometimes I really try too hard.

Riposte

2011-07-19T22:47:00.000+08:00

Today didn't go as smoothly as what I hoped it would be. Well, I said a little too much and a little too blunt.

Everyday I try to do this I try to do that, at the end of the day, who is there for me?

P.S. Just kill me already.

Mad

2011-07-18T21:18:00.000+08:00

Time seems to pass a little faster these days. I suppose transition is not that difficult after all. Sometimes, the future seems so bleak and so blur. I always tell myself that the rainbow will come after the rain.

I tell myself to look forward to the rain. For every time that it rains, there's another chance that the seven colors will appear. Thus, I take each and every step cautiously. Someday, somewhere things will come to a good end.

That's what I strongly believe in anyway.

I am glad to have a nice team in EY. My teammates are really funny and cool people. I don't know where I stand, but I certainly will work towards a better person.

Actually I don't have much to write. I am going to lose weight from now on. There was this guy, Shawn, that i met in Fann's place. One word: WOW.

A lot of times I tell myself, this can't be done, that can't be done. This is impossible. He just proved me otherwise. Once again, WOW. He is good, damn good. His physique is awesome. His dress sense is like WOW. And one more thing is, he drives an Audi. GOSH. Tell me that perfection is impossible. He will make you think twice.

He is so awesome that I think I pretty much only have catch up to play.

I'll work hard!

The more I endure, the further that I can reach. Sky's the limit.

Gawd, I am so motivated now. Got to run, literally, RUN.

P.S. Tell me something that I don't already know.

Thirst

2011-07-16T21:32:00.000+08:00

Why am I always so late? Just when things just start to turn for the better, I rolled back to start all over again.

Is this fate? Or am I too impatient?

p.s. Wish that you appeared.

Zeal

2011-07-11T21:34:00.000+08:00

Came home real early today. Nothing much was in my schedule today.

Well.. Felt disheartened. Here is one young lad who is all zealous and excited about his future and career. And yet everyone else around me is talking about leaving and giving up. Not really necessary in my humble opinion.

I guess I'll fight on. Who is with me?

I know this strive will die one day, but I ain't gonna give up without a good fight. I gonna slow down my pace.

I decided that I should be satisfied. Contented with what I have/am.

Maybe I chose the wrong people to hang out with, or maybe its me. I don't know. Hope things change for the better tomorrow.

Exception

2011-07-10T08:31:00.001+08:00

And so the long week ended. Well, like what I said, the word to use is 'good'. I am someone who embraces changes in my life. I prefer things to change. I believe that changing is the only way to improve. That's what I strongly believe in anyway.

I do whine a lot due the the exigency of my work. But the point is, we don't give up. Everyday we talk about how screwed up work is, we joke around about quitting, we discuss about leaving and giving up. But at the end of the day, we still go to work. Maybe this is the start of my career, and I am very enthusiastic about it. A lot of times, people don't see why people whine. They think that the whiners want a solution and tell them to give up or something. But in fact, the whiners just want attention. Guess what will happen on the following day after they spend hours whining? They still go to work.

Tons of things to be learn. Its like a fish being placed in a totally new aquarium. You want to know where to hide and where to get food. These excites me a lot. I start to meet new people, people who know what they are doing. I know these will all die down one day, but lets hope that day is further away.

Some lessons that I learnt from just one week of work:

1.) It is not about what time you end work, but about the work done. People have horror stories about the long working hours in my field. I don't deny it. But, like what someone told me once: Do you want to be tired now? Or do you want to be tired when you are 50 years old?

Simple. Do you think what you can do NOW can be accomplished when you are older? No. If you don't go for it now, what makes you think you can go for it when you are old? Go in with the mentality that you have to work till 2am in the morning, and all I can say is: You totally missed the point. Learning is important. We all start from scratch, because we are borne this way. Lets just say that, don't think, just do it.

2.) There is nothing that you don't know, but what you don't want to know. As I am new, I am bound to encounter problems or occasions that I don't have much idea about. When this happens, some just say: I don't know. Well, I believe giving up is fine, only if you give it a try in the first place. Lets say your senior gives you this set of work that you probably have no idea how to go about it. Well, if the next thing you do is to go back and ask your senior how to begin, you probably didn't get what I am going to say. You need to figure out.

And if your senior needs to spend 2 hours trying to explain your work to you when he can do it in either 2 hours or lesser, it defeats his purpose. I choose to say that: Let me try, I will come back to you if I have any problems.

And of course, if you'd tried and still have no idea how to go about doing it, its of your best interest to ask.

I know I might sound like some smart Alec or something. But I believe this is how you learn and shine.

3.) Don't rush into things. Well this is a very important lesson for me. I have no patience or endurance. So I rush into a lot of decisions or things that I probably regret. I need to focus. Sometimes, talking more than you should will bring in havoc. I thought if I shared more about myself, people will do the same. It doesn't work that way. Actually it does, if you know the person long enough, it doesn't work at this stage yet.

4.) Fat. This is so killing me. I have no time to burn those calories. Well, I suppose the only way out is to intake lesser calories. I don't want to grow into a ball of fats sitting on the office chair. It is like a dilemma. People ask you out for dinner and lunch, it is due to courtesy that you go with them. But the price to pay is those outrageous calories that you intake. To go or not to go? I don't know. I tried to say no for 9pm ice cream, when people ask you for the reason, as a guy, I can't say that I am on diet. What crap is this? Gosh. I'll figure a way out.

My story just unveiled another brand new chapter. And I know I have to move on. There is no time to fail this time. I have to block off all distractions. This route is full of rocks and falls, but I suppose I'll make things happen.

Will things really happen? We will see. It is still too early to comment.

p.s. You and Me. Have you already seen me?

Dedicated

2011-07-06T07:34:00.001+08:00

The word to use is 'good'. :)

- Posted using my iPhone

Beat II

2011-07-05T23:26:00.001+08:00

I just reached home again. Arghhhh! Will write something soon, I suppose~~

Beat

2011-07-04T22:59:00.001+08:00

I just reached home, and I really need to go to sleep now. Arghhh! Will write something tomorrow.

Perfect

2011-07-03T21:07:00.002+08:00

Just our hands clasped so tight,
Waiting for the hint of a spark

Last

2011-07-03T11:41:00.000+08:00

Well, next chapter of my life unveils tomorrow! A lot of mixed feelings though~~

Rash

2011-07-01T10:19:00.000+08:00

July arrived. So what's next?

Work is going to start soon. I have some sort of fear in me that is causing me to make a lot of wrong decisions. Well, that's besides the point.

Regret. We make a lot of decisions everyday. Some important, others ain't. At the end of the day, we all regret. Lets just say that we hope not to regret those decisions which are very important.

A few weeks ago. Someone told me that she was going to work hard in her school. She said she was not going to let the money go to waste. She said she will do what it takes. At the end of the day, I don't know what happened or what will happen. But I hope you kept your word.

Every single time you feel like letting go and give up, always remember why did you hold on so long for.

Another friend told me too that she's going back to school. All the assignments, work, projects. I totally understand that they suck. But sometimes in life, we all need to do what we need to do.

I know you are deeply hurt by what I wrote the other day. I do not ask for your forgiveness. But I want you to understand that that is what I felt at the end of the day. If something didn't work out, it didn't. I totally understand that you are coming from good intentions and I totally appreciate what you had done to a friend like me. But I don't wish to lie to myself, or even to you.

Yeah, maybe this is it. The end of some chapters, and the beginning of others. Maybe someday I will look back and realise how silly I am. But if that day comes, I will face it myself.

Yes, I know I think of a lot of things in a very negative manner. The me now do not lack any more confidence. One of the main reasons why I keep looking at the negative side of things is that they give me a reason to become better. It is like a way to make yourself thrive harder, not that I don't have confidence in myself.

We all have weaknesses. I just hope you understand. I am very sorry to hurt you with those words.

I wanted to write this post for so long. But I couldn't make myself do it. And today, I shall face the truth.

p.s. 有一个叫做幸福的世界, 没有泪水

Meteor

2011-06-29T11:30:00.001+08:00

真的懂了, 真的

Argh, so many things to do. But I have no urge to do them. Damn it...

Dusk

2011-06-27T20:19:00.001+08:00

你们要快乐, 要天长地久
你们没有错, 爱是自由
走出这扇门后, 至少我还有辽阔.

Dazzling

2011-06-26T21:08:00.001+08:00

Time flies. I have one week left before my first day of work in Ernst & Young. Well, spent all my time trying to catch up with people whom I haven't met for ages.

Went for several meet-ups these days. Many things learnt. Many more observed.

I believe things are easier this way. And maybe this first step will really work out for all of us.

Went to some friend's boyfriend house for games today. Well, to be very honest, not my cup of tea. Sitting there playing games, wasting my whole Sunday. Well, at least now I know.

I thought over and over on my way back. Was it really the people or was it the activity? Well, I think it is the people.

They don't have the same priority as me. To me, board games are for socializing. So if you are really trying to play the game, I probably won't be your best partner. Any sort of activity is just an excuse for another meet up or gathering. Thus, I really don't go along well with people who play the game dead seriously.

I tried to join in, but maybe I am really not those put winning as priority.

I realize I have good financial management. I know of people around me who are different in this aspect.

I have no idea how this is going to work out. But I still don't like the current pace of my life.

Will things change?

I don't know.

p.s when will I ever start to change?

- Posted using my iPhone

公平

2011-06-24T17:25:00.001+08:00

你不知道的事很多，

但是我不知道的事更多。

什么是公平，什么是缘分？我真的不知道了。

p.s. I'd fight only if its fair.

2011-06-22T13:39:00.000+08:00

Wednesday. Time didn't fly. So much for the talking. I thought over my future. My near future. The oncoming days are not going to be easy. I chose this route and thus, I need to start believing that I can do this.

I believe that everyone needs to be responsible for their words. Men should never break their promises. Thus, I think I am not going to give any promises from now on. Things are going to change slowly, but surely.

I am a very result orientated person. I set a lot of goals for myself, I expect a lot. But at times, I lose faith.

So what is there to fight for?

p.s. 如果角色对调，那你说好不好。

Endure

2011-06-19T22:11:00.000+08:00

These days ain't easy. I have a lot to do. But I can't seem to do them. All these days were wasted away. I can't seem to see my future.

I am so screwed up. I can't find a proper way to tell anyone what I am feeling right now. I feel like I am going crazy. My brain seems to be overheating and exploding as every second pass by. I ask myself; what would I do if I had time?

I used to tell myself I will do this I will do that. And now when I really have time, I backed out. Time waits for no man. I have no mood to do anything. I see no future.

I have not been sleeping well for these nights.

People say that there's a choice for everything. Well, tell me my options.

Sometimes I feel that I don't have a choice. Or rather, I can't even seem to find ONE option.

Someone told me that day that I am someone who is mercenary. Well, I was deeply troubled by this. Because right down in my heart, I knew that was right. I am someone who is unscrupulous in what I do and will do whatever it takes to fulfil my aims. She also told me that I am good at acting, which I knew inside me that was true. Well, she really seemed to figure me out.

I am not someone of exemplary calibre. So what am I living this life for?

p.s. I still prefer who you really were.

Hostile

2011-06-18T11:12:00.000+08:00

Life didn't get better. It got worse I suppose. Woke up to a senseless quarrel with my mum. Over? Breakfast. I wanted to eat eggs, but she insisted that I eat bacon with bread. Seriously, anyone have any idea how hard I am trying to lose weight? And you still tell me to eat something that defeats my purpose? I got so angry that I slammed my door behind me. Gosh. Things are not turning out well I suppose.

Staying at home is a good idea, until you realise you are not one of those who can stick around and do nothing. Well I don't know what else to do anyways.

I am only human, there's that much that I can conquer. I thought I could do whatever it takes. But in reality, I do get tired and lethargic. Every morning I tell myself that I have to do this, I have to do that. I get my schedules carefully set up. But in the end, how often had I really followed them?

I have no idea.

Yeah, I have very high expectations of myself. Which in turn means I will have very high expectations of the people around me. So when things don't turn out to be what I expect. I get very disappointed. I know I am not significant enough to change anything. But what else can I do?

I used to think that living in my own world is sufficient, until people tell me of the outside world. There is so much more better people out there. And I am here trying to convince myself that I'm actually good enough. Seriously, I am better off fucking myself.

Well, I suppose this is it. There are many other things for me to concentrate on other than you. People tell me that I shouldn't give up without a fight. But I can tell you that I don't want to fight a losing battle. I had lost enough time.

Maybe I wasn't persistent enough, or maybe I didn't have to patience. Maybe if I held long enough, things might change. Or rather they will change for the better. Whether a not it will work, I don't know.

I am going into a very important phrase of my life where I will have no time. Thus, I suppose I shouldn't waste her time too. I wish for her happiness and smiles.

I am sorry that I'd to go, but it is better off for us anyways.

p.s. If I try harder, will I change?

Torched

2011-06-16T21:53:00.000+08:00

Been quite busy lately. Gym, swim, hanging out with friends, catching up with long lost friends... Too many things, too little time.

Actually I have nothing to write. Nothing seems to matter these days. But I want to have a habit of writing here anyway.

Things are changing. So am I. I suppose you know what I mean. Maybe it is time to really take a step back and patiently await the brighter routes ahead.

Got to run. Like literally run...

p.s. I have wonderful friends.

Broken

2011-06-16T01:04:00.000+08:00

If what I don't mean anything to you, get the hell out of my way please. Thank you.

p.s. If only this was a dream, wake me up.

Tarnished

2011-06-14T08:09:00.000+08:00

Been sometime since I wrote anything here. Well, things weren't as smoothly as what I had desired.

Firstly, the moment I sent that message out that day, I regretted the next second. I knew I had to leave. There was no ambiguity about that.

I told myself; I will train hard, I will just stick around at home. Don't think about it. But your deadly smile came back into my mind. Gosh, what the hell happened?

I quitted my temporary job for a few reasons, you were one of them. I thought I would have time. And things might just turn out a little better.

All that you said, they are like waves at the beach, crashing into my mind again and again. I always thought if I worked hard enough, I will be good enough. But in reality, there are so many factors that are inherent and not within our control.

The last two nights were filled with guilt and sorrows. It is hilarious how I keep assuring you that you are a friend, when in reality, you ain't. Some things do not change. Since the night I went out with you, I knew I had no chance.

I thrive so hard to improve on myself. Partially, because of you. Or maybe totally. I can't seem to figure it out.

So many factors that I am borne with.

You said I was fat. So I told myself to change. I went on diet, I went running. All these that I'd done, they make no sense to me.

You said about my looks. I went on shopping, I went on spending spree. At the end of the day, it didn't work out.

You said there was no future without money. I went to find a job, I saved up. You might think that these might not mean a lot to you. But let me tell you that, you gave me the determination and courage to change.

I am only human. I am not those actor where they can spend their whole day keeping their looks as priority. I have a job. I need to earn for my meals. And looking good doesn't bring food back onto the table.

I am not angry. I was disappointed. All that you had said and done.

I am not tall enough. So, what do you really want me to do about it? I can't just GROW taller. It was that very day that you said this, when I know that all hopes are gone.

I am not handsome enough. Gawd, just fucking kill me. Tell me what to change, if it CAN be changed, I swear I'll do it.

I knew that I will anger and upset you with that message. Oh well, all I can say was, the moment I sent that message. I wanted to apologise immediately. But my fingers couldn't type sorry. Or maybe, this is the end.

Maybe the day will come where I will meet someone else and move on with life. I hope for the day to come sooner. All these nightmares will end. Soon, real soon.

p.s. I thought staying at home playing games will work, it didn't.

Bleed

2011-06-12T13:24:00.000+08:00

It is sometimes better to stop before you really reach the dead end.

p.s. I got tired and numb of all these bullshit. :(

Indifferent

2011-06-11T22:20:00.001+08:00

It's time to step on the gas. I'll do whatever it takes.

p.s this will is beyond reach.

- Posted using my iPhone

Friction

2011-06-11T15:53:00.001+08:00

If one starts to live in his or her comfort zone, it will take a lot to move a step.

Things do change. A lot of times we start to think. We start to regret. We find a lot of excuses for our failures. We find a lot of reasons for our mistakes.

Then we whine and whine and whine. We hoped to get attention . But the thing is that, attention will not solve the problem. Solutions will.

So deal with problems, don't complain.

Okay, maybe a little complain issn't that bad. :)

p.s. Fall and cry, and you will never get up.

- Posted using my iPhone

Sight

2011-06-08T22:57:00.003+08:00

My day was as usual, nothing outstanding. Work, gym and life continues.

I was reading our MSN chat logs for the past year, since 2010. Well, we all changed. Or maybe I did. I realised I always initiated the conversation. Oh well, I think I get it.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. And I will make sure it is worth it.

I don't know what happened. Suddenly, everyone seemed so cold. I am really confused. So many things happen behind our back. I wish I had an idea.

p.s. I will be so addicted to your smile.

Relief

2011-06-08T00:47:00.003+08:00

Not the day. Just not the way it should be.

I shall take my leave.

Couldn't sleep. For some reason or another, my eyes are wet tonight.

I shall take back everything. Maybe things will be different, or maybe they wont.

p.s. Save me.

Abandoned

2011-06-07T16:35:00.001+08:00

I made up my mind. I'll quit, not only at work. I think that if I stop seeing her for sometime, it might really work better for me.

Things need to change. I need to come up with something. I need no compassion or pity from you. If you think that talking to me is a chore, drop me a hint or something. I can take criticism.

When will you appear? Gosh. I am running out of patience.

I am having a hell of a day. And I don't really know how to tell my manager about my early departure. But I'll think of something.

If you are not interested, please please drop me a hint or something. Don't let me hang on this tiny thread for goodness know how long it will be.

This is so bad. I feel wrong. Things need to change. Hopefully for the better.

p.s. This will be the last one.

- Posted using my iPhone

Ardor

2011-06-06T15:56:00.001+08:00

I have a heavy mind today. Things are growing darker and grayer. The mist is thickening and nothing else is soon visible.

I fooled a lot of people. So what is it that I had become?

All these deceit, masks. All the lies, they are gonna come back. What comes around goes around..

Will things be different if I start to give up?

I keep telling myself that this is not how it should be. But what is?

I need to get away. Maybe that'll help a tiny little bit. Maybe if I take that vital step out, things will be brighter. But I am afraid to take any step or any maneuver at this stage.

I know I can't fail anymore. I know this is unreciprocated. And I know that these feelings are fictitious. But why am I feeling so anguish right now?

I need the answer. Real soon. Before things get really out of hand. I committed too much. I paid a price too high.

I need to believe in fate. But I don't have enough trust in it.

I need to spend my attention on other matters.

Where's my angel?
I'll be the guardian.

p.s. If I count to a hundred patiently, will you appear?
- Posted using my iPhone

Resent

2011-06-05T21:56:00.002+08:00

There went the weekend again. So it is Sunday night again, I have to work tomorrow. I am growing so fat now that its not funny anymore.

Went to gym today. I have to go back to my regime soon, real soon. I have no time, deadlines are coming. And I know that I am not ready.

I need to go shopping so badly. Gosh, I need a lot more clothes and accessories for work. But I don't have the cash, damn it.

I almost lost my cool at the gym today. Seriously, some people are so stupid and retarded that I think they are not supposed to even exist. Their existence actually stop the progress of the society and cause harm to the others.

Gosh, if you are going to do use the chin-up bar, at least look around if theres enough space. If I am not fat enough to be visible, you should get a pair of spectacles. I have to admit that I am not in the best of mood, and all these ain't helping.

And the mirror, oh gawd this is so screwed up. PLEASE NOTE THAT YOU DON'T EAT GLASS AS BREAKFAST, AND YOU ARE NOT F***ING TRANSPARENT. Can't you see that I am using the mirror? Come on, don't f***king block me.

When I say I will tell you when I am done, don't stare at my weights. Don't ever do that. Thats so rude and irritating. Argh, today's not the day for you to pick a fight with me, dude. Seriously, not the day...

So STFU already...

p.s. 我无法再冷静，因为我不想被忘记

Chronic

2011-06-05T08:07:00.003+08:00

I need to figure it out soon, real soon. Too many things on my mind, too little time. What am I supposed to do?

I hate crossroads. All that you had done and said, pity? Or just simply, friendship?

You make me so confused. We are at an important transition period of our lives.

I read something that made me real disappointed with myself. I don't know whats my stand anymore.

I know you are affected by what I said or write. But where else can I speak my mind?

I don't know anymore. I can't sleep well these days. I feel like I am dying. So, in the end, where do I stand?

I have no idea what this will turn out. I fear for the negative results though. What do you think?

My skies are dark and gloomy, the waters are rough. I need the belief and strength to do this.

I am not someone borne with a natural advantage compared to the rest. I tried to be someone better, or rather to be your 'One'. I guess it didn't work out.

I am dead disappointed with myself. All that you said keeps crashing back into my mind again and again.

I need to calm down, to stay away from this for a while. At least till I straightened out what my belief is.

Those lyrics, they make me guilty so bad. To a certain extent, I was selfish. All that I'd done, there was actually something behind my mind.

I tell myself that all these are frauds. I tell myself that one day, I will wake up and think of how silly I am now. I tell myself that this is my side of the story and it will not work. I can tell myself thousands of reasons, but you never fail to triumph back into my mind.

Maybe time will fade you out one day. All these is gonna end soon. I suppose...

p.s. I really should have called.

Scorned

2011-06-03T09:52:00.001+08:00

It's finally Friday. So after 4 long days of yearning for today, what's next? Tomorrow is Saturday and there will be a Sunday. Then Monday will repeat itself again.

Firstly, I don't mind if anyone takes me as a back up plan or 2nd choice. Because, I think that at least you are a choice. At least you are still sure that you pretty exist in this world.

I have 2 movie tickets for X-Men First Class tomorrow. I don't know if I should blame the tickets or myself. Why would I say that?

One, I couldn't get anyone to watch it with me. I don't really know if I should be angry with the ticket for making me look like a fool or should I be looking into the problem with me. I don't know.

I don't have a lot of friends. I know that. At times, I just feel like just dumping the tickets away. At least I won't have to eat as much lemons as I did.
Seriously, I am also not really into movies.

Well, I tried to change and change and change. But many things didn't follow suit. I thought I was better, seems like, I think too highly about myself. When the actual fact and my mind don't tally, something must be wrong. But what is? I need more reasons, more truths, more knowledge.

Secondly, Andrew is right. I thought over what he said last night on my way home. I'm taking back everything. What's with the extra effort that you commit to? There's no appreciation nor any gratitude. As time goes by, people just take you for granted. At the end of the day, I'm still left alone with no energy nor faith. All these time, money, effort. They are so wasted now. I have no idea what else can I do with them. But I'll figure it out.

I have so much things to write but I am working right now. Typing on my phone for 45 mins is gonna cause me some serious problems. Well, I suppose I'll write when I get home or after lunch.

p.s. All that I wrote yesterday, I'm taking them back

- Posted using my iPhone

Shooting Stars

2011-06-02T12:05:00.001+08:00

看今夜的流星划过了天际
笑我的心

God I totally love this song: 范逸臣 - Love Story.

Did I mention that I love shooting stars? They are so beautiful. In the middle of the darkness, comes the hope.

I like stars too, but not as much. The shimmering light in the middle of the night. They represent the light in the darkness, which is faith and hope.

In life, we all know that we have different wants at different stage of life. Whether a not we get what we want depends on ourselves, it's about playing the game the right way. If you keep trying to learn music when you are deaf, come on, there's only one Mozart.

Like what I mentioned a few days ago, if you are a fish, don't look at the monkey and think you are stupid. Because on the other hand, the monkey will never be able to be as free in the water as you.

We always get envious of others. What others have, what they own?! But have you ever thought about what you have?

I had.

I gave up. I am going to start all over again. To search for the perfect one that is waiting for me. One day, we will hold hands and take it all the way. And I hope that day comes earlier.

Undeserving. If you are feeling that, you just need to slow down and think. Is everyone really ignoring you?

Substitutes. So you think you are not in top priority? Yes, I know it hurts to know that you are not the first person to come to whosoever's mind. But all I can say is: sometimes in life, there are different important people in different phases of life. So, take a break. Things will always turn for the better only if you believe the better exists.

Lose faith and you lose the fight.
It's never about the strength or the skill. It's about the mind.

And yes. I know you are reading and I am trying to address you. :) Smile more ok?

Too many changes. Too many transitions for me. I am afraid. Afraid of falling again. But that won't stop me from trying. I'll still change for the better.

What's 'better'? You tell me.

If you start speaking your mind, everyone else will. If you keep everything to yourself, trust me that others will do that too.

- Posted using my iPhone

Untitled

2011-06-01T12:00:00.001+08:00

It was a busy morning. The work made my mind numb of what else I could been thinking about. So the myth that using work to drown your sorrows does work in some way or another.

The fire in my soul is quickly extinguishing. I have lost faith in a lot of things. Today I shall speak my mind.

I'd been feeling nausea for quite a few days. And I have no idea why. I got up earlier today. Something woke me up, I forgot what. But my mind didn't let me go back to my dreams again.

I have little appetite though I am hungry. I am starting to suspect myself and live in guilt.

Well it all began with that online chat last week. I thought I was somebody. But I realized, no. I am still me. No matter how hard I try.

I am not afraid of losing money, time or even friendships. But I am afraid of failure. After falling so many times these 24 years, I don't know if I can really recover in my next fall. Age is catching up. I suppose I really love myself too much.

Can I really make a difference? I don't know and I don't think so.

First it was the online chat. Then it came a period of silence. Then I start to wonder if I am really the problem. Or maybe I think too much again. Then my manager commented on my life. And then my closer friends.

I can't accept my loneliness. And I get very jealous of others who always have company. Well that is me. Live with it.

Give me a inch and I'll ask for a foot. I am greedy. But who issn't?

I will never be satisfied with my life. Is that a good thing?

Maybe not. I am not good with words and all I know is I sometimes wonder so much that I caused a lot of mistakes in my feelings. I thought it was affection but in reality it was just jealousness, the attitude of 'can't afford to lose', or sometimes even friendship.

If I miss a chance, I'd be sad. I will blame myself for it and not get over it.

I am an attention seeker and at times I ask for too much. I need to calm down and look at the whole thing again.

I need company. But who else is there?

I don't deserve anything I suppose.

- Posted using my iPhone

Insomnia

2011-06-01T07:39:00.002+08:00

I suppose giving up is not that easy. Gosh, I need to stop thinking already.

p.s. I need to get over this. Quickly.

Lavish

2011-05-31T22:25:00.003+08:00

Today was a very memorable day. I truthfully felt who was with me and supporting me. I didn't know that I had such great companions around me. I was lost, confused and had no confidence. They gave me the strength. I'd made up my mind now. It's up to me now.

I really appreciate how these people spent their time trying to listen to my pains and nonsenses. Not a lot of people do that. Some just take you as a medium. But it was today that made me differentiate the people around me.

I guess I'd pass. I do too many things on impulse. I want to change. But I need to know how to. I keep telling myself that I need to slow down. But, my actions proved otherwise.

After so much time spent to improve myself, it was not enough. Well, you can say that it is never enough. Who is perfect?

I am starting to see my limits. I am starting to see how far one person, or rather, me, can go. I am only human, its only reasonable for me to have weaknesses.

What is my next step? I suppose I'll just wait.

I kind of gave up on this. I couldn't find another reason to fight in this war anymore.

Like what people always say, if you have tried hard enough, maybe it is time to let go. Well, I think I will resign to fate. I learnt many lessons. I am not being inferior or something, but we all need to know where we stand in this cruel world. I think I don't really match her I suppose.

Don't hope, then you won't be disappointed. So true, if you take it as what it is, you probably won't feel the pain that much.

One thing I need to change. I need to be more decisive. I need to make a stand. I need to think critically at crucial times. But I need to know how to improve on these. I shall focus on these from now on.

I need to utilise my brains. I do have a rather big one though. I hope one day, people will stop looking at me with that look. One fine day, I will stand up. I will be different. I will have my own say.

And I really wish that day will be nearer each day.

p.s. I wish for your happiness and smiles.

Torment

2011-05-30T23:27:00.002+08:00

Went for tennis lesson. The lesson was fruitful but tiring. Or maybe I am not used to playing games again.

So, I asked myself over and over again. What am I doing all these for?

I was taught from young that if I work hard enough, I will get it. With this important lesson I mind, I started to grind. I made sure I work hard. Very hard. However, does this theory really work? I am getting more and more lost each day. Each day I wake up, I tell myself to work harder today than yesterday. I tried and tried and tried. Everyday I push myself to another level.

And if you think it is easy, you can try doing it.

Many lessons learnt these days.

Lesson 1: Don't be an irritant. I repeat, don't be an irritant. What do I mean by that? Stop bugging people over stuff that is of little importance to that particular person. Come on, no one owes you a living.

Lesson 2: Don't act if you are either too good or too bad at it. If you are bad at acting, don't do it. Please don't. It makes you look like a fool. If you are too good, don't do it too. People will really mistake your acting as who you really are.

Lesson 3: In life, fate exists. But it is still up to you to make the first step. There are many things that could be worst or better if you had played those cards right. So start thinking.

Lesson 4: Everyone is a genius. But if you judge a fish with how well it can climb a tree, it will live its whole life thinking it is stupid. There are a lot of things that is out of our reach. For example, if you are born to be fat. You keep trying to tell yourself to be thinner, one day you will only suffer from depression.

If I appear to be not paying attention to certain details, it is not that I don't care. Or rather, that detail or object has not pass my threshold level to make it of a certain priority.

Time makes the heart grow fonder. Well, true? Your say.

I suppose I will wait. What I am curious is how you think of me? So who is this very guy standing here. I know this is an unrequited story, and fairy tales don't exist.

All these factors are telling me to just simply give up. Its like a losing battle, you still lose no matter how hard you try.

For me, yes I know I will face certain rejection or such. But all I want to know is if I played my cards properly, do I deserve a chance?

I don't even know what I really want now. I am so confused that I suppose silence is the best decision ever. Should I try? Or just pass?

Someone please tell me. Or can YOU drop a hint or two?

p.s. god, this is killing me

Writhe

2011-05-27T21:34:00.004+08:00

Darkness overwhelmed the day. And there goes another day. Another twenty-four hours that will never return. Have you made today fruitful?

I don't know.

And so I met up with her. And so you think I am a waste of your time? Instead, let me tell you that I feel that YOU ARE WASTING MY TIME. Come on, look at the big picture. It had been so long, and now you still tell me that I should think again?

I woke up my idea. Have you? No, I don't think so. You are still as naive as what you were years back. Stop telling me what to do. I am so far ahead of you that you are probably fogged in your own world.

I have nothing to say to you. Nothing matters now anyways. You can go back to your naive world and live your dream. One day, one hell of a day, you will wake up and come back to reality. Then you will know what you had missed out. I am ready for my future, are you? No, not that I can be sure of.

I changed for the better. So what have you done? Look back and tell me in my face, what had you done? Getting into university is no big deal. In the working world, that sheet of paper will only lead you to the entrance.

Score in school, fail in life.

One day, I will prove you wrong. It is on that very day that you will regret this. All these crap that you'd said. They make no sense to me. I see you as childish as any other kid.

I have no life? Oh come on, just shut up. What does this 'Life' help you in your 'future'? Yes you have a wider social circle, is that all you got?

I wear and do what I like and if that leaves a negative impression on you, live with it. I am not going to change for you. Its too bad, you gave away the chance. One day. One fine day, you will look back and be so sorry over what you have said or implied today.

So what is this life thing that is of utmost importance to you?

Oh well, just shut the hell up. You are so going to fall right on your face.

Work was entertaining today. I did bank reconciliation and missed by 2 cents. Yes, 2 cents. I couldn't balance the books with the bank statement by 2 freaking cents. After 3 hours to search for the 2 cents, I still couldn't find it. I think there must be some rounding up error in Microsoft Excel. But oh well, I will find out the truth on Monday.

Today, I went out for lunch with my boss and colleagues. And so, the aunties talked about marriage. I learnt something. It is cliche but true. Marriage is not only about the two persons. But about two families.

That made me think a lot. So I am searching for the one for me now, who will it be? What criteria should she have?

Now I see that, this is no simple thing. The acceptance of another person into your life takes a lot of initiative and effort. And thats not it, we still have to accept each other's families. All the mother-in-law drama that is on TV, they are true. And what do the guys get in return? The complains from both sides. Scary? I think so.

Fear consumed me at some point of today's lunch. All those beautiful pictures in my mind were smashed and broken.

I thought I was ready. Come to think of it, am I?

I don't know anymore.

p.s. I look better naked.

Fade

2011-05-27T11:18:00.001+08:00

The sun rose and sat again. At the end of the day, what changes?

I am losing it. My determination and faith, they are dwindling. I ate more and more as days go by. My weight remained constant. Everyone tells me, "nvm one la, eat once or twice nvm one". Well, I know that single meal or two will not have drastic effects. But, it is about the persistence and drive that gave way.

My brain is getting overloaded. With both personal and work stuff. I can't even remember what I did or ate yesterday. God, this is so killing me.

Many things happened these days, with these graduation and such. My career with EY is now official. Too many changes. A little too much for me to handle.

However, these are not all. Many more things are happening behind our back. Matters pertaining personal feelings and such.

My dad was right. I do things too harshly. I need to slow down. I am rushing through a lot of decisions and actions that I am being looked like a fool at times.

Well, this is life. Live with it. That's what I tell myself daily.

'No one else cares about your failure(s) besides yourself.' This is so damn true. This was told to me during my graduation. Yes, I totally agree. I couldn't get over a lot of falls and injuries in the past few years.

These led to me losing my confidence and becoming inferior. I always thought people are looking down on me or how insignificant I am.

With those in mind, I tried my best to change. To become someone of exemplary ability. Did I succeed in the end? I don't know. I got better, that's for sure.

I can now think a lot clearer. I can now run a lot faster. I am now a lot stronger.

What is right? What is wrong? And most importantly, who decides? Life is filled with a lot of grey areas, a little too much for my liking.

I took a peek at the time. It's 11.11am. And so I made a wish.

My wish is to find someone important in my life. And hope that the person will come faster.

What I feel is unfair is the looks that you are born with. There are many things that we can alter with time and effort. But this is one exception.

Well, I realized it's not about her anymore. I was too impatient. My vision was blur. Now that I'd straightened my thoughts, I'll wait patiently.

Well, it had been near 6 months. Everyone will soon be back. And what changes? Time.

gosh stupid app placed this on Facebook

- Posted using my iPhone

At work

2011-05-24T10:23:00.001+08:00

So what about now? What is this about?

I have no idea. I suppose I should wait for the greener pastures awaiting me soon.

I am so confused right now. So what do you think? I suppose the chances are very slim.

After all these, I don't even know if this feeling is the right one? Like what a lyrics mentioned:

这是友情，还是错过的爱情?

I wish I knew the answer. I suppose I don't. I don't think you will ever read this but I really need a place to breathe. I'm gasping for air now.

I am not even sure about this myself. It's like standing on very thin ice. One wrong step and everything is over.

I only hope I play my cards right. We are all facing a period of uncertainly in the near future. I don't want to take risk. But what does my heart think? I don't know. And I don't want to probe any further.

I'll just remain as who I am now.

While I was at gym yesterday, I asked myself what is this for.

The thing is you came into my mind. That's the last thing that I hope will happened. And I don't deny that. All that I had done, were they really for myself?

Or am I influenced by... ...

I tell myself this is about fate. But is it really about fate? So I leave my life to this random thing that works all the time on tv and in movies. Do I really have a say? Do I have to crave my own path? Or is everything predestined.

You tell me.

- Posted using my iPhone

Who is gonna give me belief? Answer me please.

Location:Alexandra Rd,,Singapore

And so it continues..

2011-05-23T22:46:00.002+08:00

So I signed up for SAFRA membership for like 6 years? God knows why did I do that. Well, the promoter wasn't really that good at promoting anyway.

Lesson learnt: the most important muscle group is your biceps.

I repeat: the most important muscle group is your biceps.

Well, work was hilarious. My accounts manager took leave today, and thus, I totally have nothing to do. It is mid-month and we are waiting for the higher management to close the April accounts. Thus, we can't start with May? I don't know what type of logic is that, but oh well, I didn't ask further.

I listened to radio for the whole day. Like from 9am to 5pm. I am getting more and more superstitious. I read my daily horoscope every morning. And now, I have like 8 apps on my Iphone on horoscopes. Sometimes they are dead accurate. Other times, we just choose to read for our own entertainment.

An idea struck me. Since I am so superstitious, I should get my palms read or something. Then my colleague told me something. So, what if the fortune teller tells you when you will die? Or when this accident is going to happen? What will you do? You will be so deeply affected that I will cause you harm in someway or another.

My shoulders hurt. They don't hurt as bad as they used to be, but they do. Trust me when I say they hurt, they really do. But, I couldn't care less, unless they really break or something.

I knew I have something to write today. But I can't remember.

And lastly, I am tired.

p.s. I miss you so bad.

Lethargic

2011-05-21T23:23:00.002+08:00

Seriously, this ain't right. All these shit and replies, they are turning me off. My tolerance is limited, don't stretch it too far. You want this, you want that, what do you give in return?

Just shut the fuck up, seriously.

H E R O

2011-05-19T22:34:00.002+08:00

I ate dinner. And I can't get over it.

I am not perfect. But who is? Well, I was reading my horoscope today when I realise how ridiculous I had become. I actually believed in it.

I got to make a stand. I got to make the change.

I know what I need to become.

So when you need to fight for your life? Will you survive?

I am gonna fight for what is right. And today I will speak my mind.

I am improving. I am getting better. My confidence is coming back. Bit by bit, I will regain myself.

Many times, there is no problem. But it is how you play your cards. Did you play them right? Think again.

There are many ways to play a game. But I will play it your way.

I will make them believe.

I will give them belief.

p.s. Fairytales don't exist, but happy endings do.

Deceit

2011-05-17T23:37:00.000+08:00

And there goes another sunset, another 24 hours that will never ever come back. I have a new colleague, I can't remember her name though. She is 47 years old. Gosh, I am so affiliated with this older generation workforce. I can't be bothered to mix with her today, was too busy messaging and talking to people.

I think I am boring. I have nothing interesting, really nothing. I realise it has nothing to do with whether you have a life or you don't. I am that boring.

I have nothing in mind to write today. I am just as disappointed as yesterday.

Maybe the affection was not real, or maybe, time just made things seem a little blur. Perhaps someday, I will come up with the truth.

As of now, I will just grind in silence. I shall await the fate that keeps missing me. I need to get numb of this feeling, this very feeling of being hanging on a thread..

p.s. i will be dead patient this time.

I've Got A Fight Today

2011-05-17T22:28:00.003+08:00

Itinerary for Vesak day: Morning swim, Noon Gym, Night Run.

Well, was too tired to run. My knee makes creaking sounds. I was so freaked out that I show my mum, but she just laughed away. Oh well..

Morning swim was terrible. First, I headed towards the usual SAFRA Jurong for my swim, then BLAM. The pool is under maintenance. What luck! But that is not gonna stop me, I went to the Pioneer stadium for my swim. I swam like 24 laps, then I stopped. That was a little lesser than what I used to swim, but I have gym in the noon. The pool was crowded like 'lunch time kopitiam', oh well, just not my day.

Noon gym was as usual, nothing worth mentioning.

What is worth mentioning was that I think it struck me. It totally struck me in my face. All the time I had been thinking of this, that and those. All I thought was, the problem lies with me. Thus, I began to change. The strive to be perfect. Well, I know perfection does not exist. Thus, strive to be near perfection. I thought the problems could be solved once I get better. But what if the problem was not with me, or rather, is there a problem in the first place?

The problem arose due to greed. I want this, I want that, I want everything that is good. Well, who doesn't? I will never be satisfied. My ever growing greed will only make distance drift further. Sometimes, when it is not meant to be, it is not. Don't think that the problem lies with you or what-so-ever. So what if I had a car? I will want a Ferrari. So what if I have a Ferrari? I want a private jet. This is so me.

Well, blame that on genes. Now that I have this thought, I shall not persist anymore. I need to start telling myself that I am not the problem. I shall regain my confidence.

But that has nothing to do with making myself a better person. Whether a not there is a problem, or if I am the problem, should never ever stop me from improving. I'm gonna keep my options open.

For so long, I started to change for people. I decided that I should now change for myself. Many of the times, I had always wondered if that was friendship or was that some long lost fate. Now that I had come to my senses, I think it was neither.

I am just another man. There is only so much I can do. I will stop all these nonsense and begin my new life.

Come to think of it, was there really a problem in the first place? I am too paranoid. I need to fight for my life, my future, my goals. And I need companion, someone whom I can really trust.

I also need to start on my master plan. Heh, and no I don't plan to steal the moon. I plan to... ... ...

p.s. Who is gonna fight for the win? Who is gonna fight for what is right? Who is gonna help me survive? Who is gonna survive?

Heart of Steel

2011-05-17T12:56:00.001+08:00

So much for the talking. Unmotivated, period.

Anguish

2011-05-17T00:00:00.002+08:00

Time flies, and suddenly we found ourselves in the mid May. So time passed, what have you done? So what makes you think people will be able to appreciate you? Are you really that important that you thought you are?

I don't know. There are so many unknowns that they are practically blocking my vision. I need clear sight, I need goals.

What do I really want? It is always coming back to this question.

Life is short, before you know it, it is over. I am here in my mid 20s without any achievements. So what does life mean to me?

I need fate. Yes, I repeat. I need fate. Fate is something that we believe in and is not controllable by us. Well, fate always work in movies, I hope it works for me too.

I hate it when people start associating my history or what I did in the past. Why can't you just give me a break and look at the current situation? I ain't any immortal, I too make mistakes. Why don't you all just shut up and move on with life? Why do you all like to associate failures or past failures, to be exact, with me? I can take jokes, but not those whereby there's something between the lines. I sense it, I really do. Don't try to associate me with any other people of the other gender again, and I mean it, especially if I am in a group. If it is between both of us, I can have higher level of tolerance. In a group, don't do it again.

Tomorrow is Vesak day, not like it matters anyway. I need to think of something. I can't rot anymore. I need change.

p.s. I repeat, don't do it again.

Contempt

2011-05-15T22:24:00.004+08:00

My last post was deleted by blogger, I suppose the maintenance didn't like me as well. Nothing important in that post anyway.

I think I am too greedy. Sometimes I can no longer tell what do I really want or what do I need. Everything is like a need for me now, nothing that I do is something I like. Well, I suppose its another whining session.

I think I have a broken right shoulder already, after lifting those weights and such. Or maybe not to broken yet, but it hurts. I am afraid. I fear that I can no longer work out anymore. I fear that I will become who I was, but I didn't change much since like a few years ago anyways.

Every morning, I wake up with body aches. Sometimes even cramps in the legs in the middle of the night. I cannot even get up from my bed without rolling down, I am dead serious. Well, who understands my plight?

All that I had done, what were they for? Seems pointless to me at some point of my life.

Change needs to come, but it is too slow. Too damn slow for my liking.

Every night I look at the sky, I asked myself what had I done for the day. Some people call this 'emo', I call this time alone. Sometimes, I could think of something that I'd done for the day. That will make me delirious and reach for my pillows earlier. But there were other nights where I could not think of anything.

Much of what I'd done had been futile. A lot of times, I feel so alone.

I'd stop the time, just as long as its you and I. But, where are you?

I know this blog is boring without pictures or what-so-ever. But this is my life. Live with it.

p.s. I'll change just for you.

我不帅，但是我不会放弃

2011-05-11T22:11:00.002+08:00

It has been days since I wrote. Now that I am back, I will fight once again.

Life is full of ups and downs. We never know what will the next step be. Its like walking the stairs blindfolded, you never know if the next step will make you crumbling down back to the initial place.

Work has progressed into a plateau that I am comfortable at. Well, to be honest, I don't really care. I doubt my superior will ever fire me. I analysed the situation. Then I came up with these reasons why you are pretty safe from being fired:

1.) Risk of uncertainty. So far during my work, I didn't screw things up. I did what any normal person would have done. Thus, anyone in the right frame of mind will not take addition risks to fire me and get another replacement. As long as you have a rating of lets say 6-7/10, I suppose you are safe. You never know what will the next replacement will be, maybe 4, 5? Thats too much a risk to take in my humble opinion.

2.) Risk of not getting replacement. There's chance that the company will never find any replacement for me. Thus, it is unrealistic to fire me when they have not found any replacement for me. If there is replacement for me, I will more likely to know.

3.) Transition time. Even if you find a worker that is better than me. He will require some transition time to catch up with the flow. During this crucial time, the work piles up. In order to clear the pile, the new worker will have to work OT. Which is not really a much appreciated idea for any newcomer.

With the above, I conclude that I will more likely to be kept by my firm till whenever I want to quit.

I need to continue working hard. I stopped my regime for a few days due to the fact that I was not feeling well. Now that the momentum is gone, I find it a little harder to step back into track. But I shall do it, I shall push myself to another level that I had never attained before.

Time is running short, the deadlines are coming. I don't see change yet. I will strive harder..

Many things crossed my mind, my emotions are mixed up. My mind is in a mess, all I do is run away from the problems with my rigid regime. I'm not at all sane, you drive me insane. All the things that you said, they keep coming back to my mind. All the hints that I sense, I can't let go of them. Or maybe its all a false front, maybe time will smoothen my thoughts and in time to come, I will see the light.

I won't fall.

p.s. get the fuck out of my head.

我不帅，那我知道。

2011-05-08T22:13:00.003+08:00

Reach for the stars. Thats what I tell myself everyday.

My determination is dwindling day by day. I ate fast food today. And I can't get over it.

I really hate it when people ask me to go sleep or to rest. Seriously, don't do that.

Tomorrow, I will rise and fight again. I need to fight. I need to get stronger, better.

Faith tells me that one day, success will come and I will shine..

Till that day comes, I shall sweat and endure..

I think I have this secret talent to drive girls angry, I seriously think I do. Everyone of the other gender around me gets mad easily, I think the problem is me.

The sun will rise and set again, and there goes another day. 24 hours that will NEVER EVER COME BACK. So what are we really fighting for?

我不帅，真的不是我的错吗?

2011-05-06T22:57:00.003+08:00

Came across these Cantonese lyrics:

踏世上, 高峰总要攀, 碧血染青衫

Living in this world, we need to scale high mountains, even if sacrifice has to be made.

I was astonished by these lyrics. They seem so true. If we don't outperform yesterday, why are we living today? The hardest thing has to be conquered by man, and sometimes we have to give up on certain parts of our life to accomplish it. So be it.

在死路, 一双脚走出生关

Even at dead ends, we need to take a step out of the danger.

How often are we stopped by obstacles in our life? Let alone dead ends, all I want to say is there is NO dead ends. We just need to take the step, to come out of danger. Obstacles are there to test our faith in the route. When we feel like we reach the bottomless pit in certain situations, actually all it takes is that step, that very first step. It might seem to be difficult to start, but trust me, its worth it.

Men are greedy creatures, I myself is guilty of it. Many times, we are blinded by greed that we forgot the basic necessities of life. But we have to remind ourselves again and again that we should not take ANYTHING for granted.

I heard my boss say: This election have Facebook mah.

How true? 5 years ago, there wasn't such a big din about elections. This time it was different. Though I really couldn't care more about government policies and national crisis, unless they affect me in anyway. I saw that actually it is true, Facebook did play a huge role in notifying others about the opposition. The impact was actually so great that most of the people actually wrote for the opposition on Facebook.

It was today when my accounts manager, chief finance officer, chief executive officer and marketing director gossip behind my table during this afternoon. I realise they don't have high education levels, the highest of all is the marketing director whom have a degree from some unknown UK university. Others just merely have 'O' Levels and Diplomas. And so they complained about the current office situation, and how they manage to stick around in this junk place for like donkey years. When I say donkey years, I mean it. The most junior amongst them was the CFO, whom worked here for like 23 years? And so they talked about who is nearer to CPF Board and so..

The most interesting part which made me control my laughter for nearly 2 hours was that they all know that the company is in dire straits. Not that the company is making losses or what, but the weak and inefficient system that the company is currently employing. They complained about how faulty the overall system was, and how slow information was actually flowing down the pyramid. Then at some point, they were talking about the price of our product: Ricola Candies. My CFO says that who in the right frame of mind will buy a small box of candies for $3 when you can buy a bowl of noodles with the same amount. The response was hilarious: Lets quit this and go sell wanton mee. I seriously almost just laughed out loud when I heard that. That was a awesome analogy how screwed up this company is.

The conversation continued with who can cook what dish or what noodles. They joked around for like 2-3 hours before going back to their workplace. Of course, they ain't gonna quit their high paying job here to sell WANTON MEE. But that shows how screwed up this place is.

The last thing I notice is that, they can do whatever they want. Like seriously, they can do WHATEVER they want. They can laze around gossiping for hours. And yet they get like 8 times my pay; and of course, I slog like a dog. My accounts manager brought us out for lunch yesterday, she paid for the whole meal. And you know what she did afterwards? She passed me the receipt to key into the system as entertainment expenses for the company. The meal cost like $50 for a mere 4 people. Of course, I didn't have questions, I did as ordered.

I start to wonder, those petrol costs, meals, drinks or even their expensive hairstyling receipt; were they also 'Entertainment Expenses'? Someday I will dig out the full accounts and find out..

Oh yeah, I had been learning more at work each day then any school's lesson on accounting. But I don't think its gonna help me in the long run in any manner. However, I start to see how an accountant works till late.

1st day of work: nothing much to do, you knock off at 5.30pm.

1st Friday of work: you begin to see work on your table, you don't care, knock off at 5.30pm.

2nd Friday of work: you see never ending work, you STILL don't care, knock off at 5.30pm

3rd Friday of work: Work is impossible, you start to get worried, but you still knock off at 5.30pm

4th Friday of work: You don't see your colleagues anymore, the work has piled so high that its blocking your vision. You clear as much as you can so that you can view your colleagues. Knock off at the last piece of work that blocks your vision.

5th Monday of work: you realise work needs to be done, time pass SUPER DUPER FAST. and by the time you finish that particular piece of work, its 5.45pm. you knock off.

5th Friday of work: Work is still piling, so you try to do work again. At 5.30pm, you tell yourself, why not we finish another invoice/PO so that theres one less. 6.00pm, knock off.

Thats the Fridays that I been through.

Yes I know I have no life, deal with it.

我不帅，但是我会改

2011-05-04T22:47:00.005+08:00

Today was different. It was like being struck by something real hard. It woke me up. All these whining and looking back. It ain't gonna work.

If you are still thinking about yesterday, you probably just wasted today. How true.

If you are unhappy, and all you do is sit around and whine. You deserves it. I repeat, you deserves it.

Did it occur to you that the problem does lie with YOU? Yes, I think so.

If you don't have your happiness, you probably are not worth people's time. And if all you do is like what I did, go around complaining and blaming everything else but yourself, you need a bigger alarm clock than me.

I stop believing in fate, nor destiny. 人定胜天. No one else controls your life except yourself. I need to improve, get better.

I need to get STRONGER, FASTER, MORE KNOWLEDGEABLE, RICHER. I will not step on the brakes anymore, I shall strive forward. Nothing is gonna stop me.

I woke up my freaking idea. What do I want to be? Now I have a clear vision, a full sight. I shall no longer be looked down upon. I need to catch up, real bad.

You all can do what you want, but there will be this time where, suddenly, you realise...

Why is he stronger?

Why is he faster?

Why does he know more things?

Why is he richer?

I don't give a damn if this means that I get into this rat race of money and power. I will play your game in your field.

I think I am given a second chance. I don't wanna let this slip and live in this second class world anymore. I believe I can do it. No, I MUST DO IT.

Sleep is for the weak. Belly is for the undetermined. Poverty is for the apathetic.

I will rise, and when that day comes, you are gonna look at me and sigh at your doings.

I shall persevere and continue this battle.

I define odds and my destiny. I shall thrive to be in the limelight. One day, I will be different...

And I wish that day will be nearer with every step that I take..

我不帅，真的不是我的错

2011-05-03T21:30:00.005+08:00

Time waits for no one. It was a long day for me, work was full of fogs and questions as usual.

Today's schedule said I should be at the gym after work. But my determination was weak today. For some reason, the word tomorrow came to my mind. Yeah, I suppose I procrastinated.

A lot of things actually happened through this weekend. But a lot more went through my mind. One lesson learnt was actually patience. I didn't have a lot of patience. But I guess he didn't as well.

What happened actually struck me hard. Very hard. It made me think of the attitude I had towards the people around me. Did I actually have an ulterior motive? Am I really into this? Or am I just trying to be one?

I don't know.

Trying to be nice is very fearsome. It means you are actually not and more likely to be the direct opposite of nice, which is selfish. All that we had done, was it for our own benefit or just for the happiness of others within our circle?

I don't know.

What makes me happy?

I don't know. There were many instances where I actually felt light hearted. Maybe I am borne to be a comedian, giver, entertainer. I felt happier if the people around me were happy. I love to see those smiles around me. But I hardly like to smile.

I feel that all that I'd done is worthwhile for the smiles and real happiness of the people around me. And if you think I'm lying, you can drag your mouse to the top right hand corner and click, I don't care.

These might sound bullshit, but I have no reason to lie.

Many times, it was never WHAT I was doing, but WHO I was with. I don't care if we all sat down in the park and look at each other for the whole day. As long as you all smiled, I'd be contented.

Of all the times I disagreed with the details of another meet up, I personally don't care. But I just hope that none of the people around me had to compromise.

I don't mind to be the laughing stock of everyone, but I hate to be left out. This is for real.

I really HATE to be left out.

Well, that is the reason that strives me to go on. I myself have absolutely no desire for luxury goods, I'd do it just to make myself merge into the crowd.

I want to buy a car. Like seriously, I WANT TO BUY A CAR.

I need to wake up my idea. I need to work harder, but I lack the motivation.. Sometimes I just wish someone would just come up and tell me to persevere, but I know that will never happen.

I know I am not making sense, but whatever, I'm tired. Maybe someday I'd be sober and write something thats making sense, but its just not today.

Tomorrow, I'd work harder. Time is limiting. I need to change, and the change needs to be quick. I need stop those degrading look onto me. I don't have much time and I need to start making things WORK.

Tomorrow, I'd be different. I'd change for the better.

p.s. if you ever read anything from here and felt unhappy, do talk to me. i apologise for that and i have no offensive intentions.

Gamble.

2011-05-02T07:52:00.012+08:00

Couldn't sleep last night. Many things were crossing my mind. Its like a meteor shower that is repeating over and over. Beautiful? I won't consider it.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. I agree totally. And curiosity killed me. One thing leads to another and then BLAM, I suddenly have a lot in my mind. The biggest question in my head was: Why was there no transparency?

No, this has nothing to do with politics.

Was it me? Unreliable or that I'm pure insensitive. I don't know if all that I know was supposed to be hints dropped or just purely coincidence. Now that I am not hanging like a thread, I think I need to re-consider about the distance between me and you all. I always thought the distance was not great, after this very morning, I had decided otherwise. Catch up or give up? I don't really know now.

I admit I gave up a lot of times, but its like fated or something. At the very last moment, there was always this twist that gave me a little light, hinting me to hold on. For all the time the light appeared, I believed in it and held on. Sometimes I wished I wasn't so naive. But other times, I thought hard work and perseverance will lead me to the rainbow in the very end.

Sometimes I look at the replies that you all give, they are so demoralising. Was it me? Did I push it too hard? Or just merely me thinking too much?

Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Too many variables, too many uncertainties.

Will it work out in the long run? Or time will just cause everything to fade away. I don't hold the single key to this question that I wish I had.

I am starting to see ambiguity and disjoint amongst us.

It was that very night where I thought I was fine, finally the perseverance paid off. But it was just a illusion, a fallacy. To be very honest, I'm very very disappointed.

I shall just write till here. And I really hope for the best. I don't wish that such a good friendship will be tarnished just like that.

Happy times together :D

P.S. I've a bad feeling about this, but oh well, this is my private space.

Truths & Lies

2011-05-01T10:44:00.002+08:00

Truths or lies? Or does it even matter? GE2011 is around the corner, and I get my first vote for Singapore. At Jurong GRC, PAP had walked over for the past 10 years. Suddenly this National Solidatary (I can't be bothered to find out the correct spelling) Party(NSP) jumps up and challenges PAP.

Yes, I agree to a lot of issues that the opposition had raised. Some of them are real weaknesses of the PAP. But seriously, who doesn't make mistakes? Sometimes things had to be done this way.

Some issues from the opposition:

1.) Why increase GST from 5% - 7%? Do your Maths please, before you even mention about this, I got an average of $500 per year from the government after the PAP adjusted the GST. Maths tells me that unless i spend more than $500 / 0.02, which is $25,000, from goods and services, I'm actually getting more returns from the 2% increment.

2.) Making Singaporeans priority over foreigners in the work force. This is utter bullshit in my humble opinion. Which country does this? Malaysia. And does that work? NO. You will see a lot of problems attaining to citizenship and ownership. And don't mention that with this priority, Singaporeans will get complacent and lower their efficiency in work. It might solve a lot of problems in the short run, increasing employment rate or what-so-ever. But it creates A TON more problems in the long run.

3.) Transparency in settling national issues. The Mas Selamat escape, loss of billions from the Temasek Holdings, and many others. No transparency? I personally don't care. As long as it is not threatening my life and my property, you can keep all the secrets to yourself. Mas Selamat escape, no accountability? What do you want them to do? Imprison the guards? Fire the MP? We need to give people a second chance. These are ACCIDENTS, which in turn means UNINTENTIONAL incidents, if the Minister really really let Mas Selamat run loose, Temasek Holdings really had too much money and lost billions on purpose, I swear I'll be concerned. But these are all unintentional matters, so do we still punish these people? I'd give them another chance.

Many of the times, people live in such comfort that they don't really know that they are in bliss. Tell a girl she's pretty and she'd remember for a day, tell her she's ugly and I swear she will remember it for life. Simple analogy, same goes to a lot of the comfort that we Singaporeans have. We take peace and comfort for granted.

Enough of politics I suppose. Haha, Royal Wedding. This is something I don't understand, damn it. HAHA. I didn't watch the wedding, but I read about it.

Fairy tales state that princes must be handsome, young and 'perfect'. I know fairy tales don't exist, but I didn't know the difference is this HUGE.

He is bald and fat! Just because he has royal blood, he enjoys limitless fortune and limelight. So tell me: Is life unfair?

I suppose so, maybe I should contemplate suicide. Die and wait for next life, maybe I'll be a prince! :)

p.s. am i thinking too much? Or something actually happened last night? I wish I am wrong, but at times, I wish I am right...

Problem

2011-04-29T21:12:00.002+08:00

This is the night where by I stayed at home. I realise I have a big gigantic problem. I can't do nothing.

For all the days of the week, I either go to the gym, swim or run. Tonight, I thought of giving myself a break and stay at home for a good rest after 5 days of work. Terrible idea. I started to regret this very decision at 6.45pm when I reached home at 6.05pm. I could not even withstand 40mins of home staying.

Every minute I lie on my bed, I thought of the other things that I could be doing to improve myself. I think I really have some psychological problem. I might really be mentally unstable.

I tried to watch a movie, but I kept fast forwarding it till the end. I spent like 30mins watching a 100min movie. Perfect way to waste away my time.

I was supposed to go out with my auntie colleagues to Suntec for some dinner gathering. But I pulled out at the very last minute.

Why?

Think about it, I already have to brainstorm for topics to talk about during that 1 hour of lunch break. What make you think that I will be able to withstand a LONG evening of 'search for topic'? I'm only temp staff, I don't really care about the company nor the work, as long as I don't get into trouble, I'd just go along with whatever is there.

Secondly, the price. Come on, they earn like 3 times my salary. Of course eating at some posh restaurant is nothing to them, but a dinner at some 'I don't even any idea where' high class restaurant would seriously cost me at least a day of my salary. I'm not going to let my money just go to waste in this way.

Lastly, they are bringing their spouses. They are all around the age of 35-40 years old. Incredible! So I'm this young lad there and half the time they talk about things that I don't really understand or I don't really care about.

The only reason why I agreed to it at the start, was that it was a chance for me to go to these type of 'drama' events, where people network around and such. But come to think of it, it is not even the correct age group.

I'm DEAD BORED NOW. Like seriously BORED. I don't have any mood to do anything else, and I really think there is only one sole thing in my mind right now. And no, it is not money.

The drive for all the wants that I was thriving for is diminishing. It's like a candle flickering in the late windy night. I feel demoralised...

I think I'm greedy. I always search for the better way(s) to achieve something, even at times, I'm already using the most effective way.

I read what I wrote, it doesn't even make sense. Haha, this shows you how bored I'm. Tomorrow is Saturday, gonna be a long boring day for me. If anyone reads this and want to give me suggestions to me, feel free to do it. I'm open to suggestions. :)