LEAVING YESTERDAY
Wenyao

There are some things in life we have no control over, and that's what destiny is.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011, 12:00:00 PM
Untitled

It was a busy morning. The work made my mind numb of what else I could been thinking about. So the myth that using work to drown your sorrows does work in some way or another.

The fire in my soul is quickly extinguishing. I have lost faith in a lot of things. Today I shall speak my mind.

I'd been feeling nausea for quite a few days. And I have no idea why. I got up earlier today. Something woke me up, I forgot what. But my mind didn't let me go back to my dreams again.

I have little appetite though I am hungry. I am starting to suspect myself and live in guilt.

Well it all began with that online chat last week. I thought I was somebody. But I realized, no. I am still me. No matter how hard I try.

I am not afraid of losing money, time or even friendships. But I am afraid of failure. After falling so many times these 24 years, I don't know if I can really recover in my next fall. Age is catching up. I suppose I really love myself too much.

Can I really make a difference? I don't know and I don't think so.

First it was the online chat. Then it came a period of silence. Then I start to wonder if I am really the problem. Or maybe I think too much again. Then my manager commented on my life. And then my closer friends.

I can't accept my loneliness. And I get very jealous of others who always have company. Well that is me. Live with it.

Give me a inch and I'll ask for a foot. I am greedy. But who issn't?

I will never be satisfied with my life. Is that a good thing?

Maybe not. I am not good with words and all I know is I sometimes wonder so much that I caused a lot of mistakes in my feelings. I thought it was affection but in reality it was just jealousness, the attitude of 'can't afford to lose', or sometimes even friendship.

If I miss a chance, I'd be sad. I will blame myself for it and not get over it.

I am an attention seeker and at times I ask for too much. I need to calm down and look at the whole thing again.

I need company. But who else is there?

I don't deserve anything I suppose.

- Posted using my iPhone