Firstly, the moment I sent that message out that day, I regretted the next second. I knew I had to leave. There was no ambiguity about that. 

I told myself; I will train hard, I will just stick around at home. Don't think about it. But your deadly smile came back into my mind. Gosh, what the hell happened?

I quitted my temporary job for a few reasons, you were one of them. I thought I would have time. And things might just turn out a little better. 

All that you said, they are like waves at the beach, crashing into my mind again and again. I always thought if I worked hard enough, I will be good enough. But in reality, there are so many factors that are inherent and not within our control.

The last two nights were filled with guilt and sorrows. It is hilarious how I keep assuring you that you are a friend, when in reality, you ain't. Some things do not change. Since the night I went out with you, I knew I had no chance.

I thrive so hard to improve on myself. Partially, because of you. Or maybe totally. I can't seem to figure it out. 

So many factors that I am borne with. 

You said I was fat. So I told myself to change. I went on diet, I went running. All these that I'd done, they make no sense to me. 

You said about my looks. I went on shopping, I went on spending spree. At the end of the day, it didn't work out.

You said there was no future without money. I went to find a job, I saved up. You might think that these might not mean a lot to you. But let me tell you that, you gave me the determination and courage to change. 

I am only human. I am not those actor where they can spend their whole day keeping their looks as priority. I have a job. I need to earn for my meals. And looking good doesn't bring food back onto the table.

I am not angry. I was disappointed. All that you had said and done.

I am not tall enough. So, what do you really want me to do about it? I can't just GROW taller. It was that very day that you said this, when I know that all hopes are gone. 

I am not handsome enough. Gawd, just fucking kill me. Tell me what to change, if it CAN be changed, I swear I'll do it.

I knew that I will anger and upset you with that message. Oh well, all I can say was, the moment I sent that message. I wanted to apologise immediately. But my fingers couldn't type sorry. Or maybe, this is the end.

Maybe the day will come where I will meet someone else and move on with life. I hope for the day to come sooner. All these nightmares will end. Soon, real soon.