Cloudy Day

Today dun need to work.. so yeah.. take a break at home.. did nothing much.. stayed at home grow fat and remained useless. September liao.. time flies.. suddenly i returned to sch for almost 5 months ler... new month but still no new things to expect. this month should be normal for me bah.. tied to this job liao.. ya.. tml have to work.. 9am reach that ulu place again.. dunno how it will go.. dun wanna think about it..

watched some tv drama today on channel 8.. too bored bah.. saw this female character who said: my dad died of cancer, mum died of aids, brother got himself in a lawsuit.. my life is like a soap opera. the subtitles were something like that, couldnt remember the actual words.. but the meaning is there.. come to think of it, similar leh.. but hers is much worst.. nothing much to expect in life.. this set me thinking for a while.. if i think i am cui, den she is what? wa lao.. imagine dun even have a home to go.. dunno la.. too bad to be true i guess.. show leh.. if not exaggerated, got ppl watch meh?

i know myself lah.. i am those cannot make it type.. walk around jurong area, easily find someone better den me ler.. i think a while also correct lah.. if everyone the same, den who is winner who is loser? some ppl must be borned to lose mah.. this den can lead to the bell shaped curve or the normal distribution.. same ideology leh, ppl like terence is gd, borned to win de, so they are in the >>> extreme side.. another factor is the curve cannot be skewed de.. if not its not normal liao mah.. so ppl have to fit the <<< side. i guess i fall into this category bah.. if everyone >>> side de, den no nid meritocracy..

i keep saying must make myself a better person.. i not perfectionist leh.. coz i know i cant be perfect.. i juz wanna get out of the cui part.. its like.. in a game, u dun aim to win.. u juz aim not to lose badly.. not to get thrashed.. thats all..for studies, i guess thats my stand also bah.. i not made to study de.. juz dun wan to fail only.. get my diploma, go out find a company that doesnt mind me, thats my life ler i guess. last time i used to have high hopes de.. think that everyone same material, only diff is effort put in.. now i see the light liao, i see last time in JC, ppl mug like siao, in the end chemishit still fail. same to me.. after that i realise, this society need some elite ppl lah.. if not who is leader? if the leader has same qualities as the normal ppl hor, something is wrong leh.. leader = better, thats what i think..

these few days, i think about myself a lot.. these few months i really lose quite a bit of weight liao.. i remember i come back from thailand, my weight was like 78.. i yesterday went to weigh hor.. 69 only.. ya.. but still far from acceptable.. target is around 63 bah.. the lost was like from extremely overweight to very overweight.. thats a very good way to deceive myself tho.. 36 days liao, still haven get over it.. perhaps i should stop seeing her bah..

I understand that a fallen leaf belongs to a different world compared to the tree. Whats over is over, not meant to be means not meant to be. I tried to move forward, but I just couldnt get rid of the trailing sadness and grieve thats still stalking me.

Sometimes i juz hope that smiling is juz as simple as typing =D. i guess i haven had a smile from deep inside my heart for quite sometime.. perhaps i might have forgotten how it felt like to be happy...